Jawn Simulator

(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)+(text-rotate-x:-15)+(text-rotate-y:-10)+(align:"<==")[ // Welcome to // ] (bg: white)+(text-rotate-x:10)+(text-rotate-y:10)+(align:"=><=")+(text-style:"bold","italic","expand")+(text-size:2.5)+(text-colour: black)[ Pigeon Simulator ] (bg: white)+(text-colour: black)+(text-rotate-x:-15)+(text-rotate-y:-10)+(align:"==>")[ // by Alexander "Jawn" Taylor // ] (text-rotate-z:357)+(text-rotate-x:10)+(text-rotate-y:10)+(align:"==>")+(text-size:1.5)+(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)+(text-style:"bold","italic","outline","expand")[[ Begin. ->Begin.]] (text-rotate-z:357)+(text-rotate-x:10)+(text-rotate-y:10)+(align:"==>")+(text-size:0.7)+(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)[[Credits]] (text-rotate-z:357)+(text-rotate-x:10)+(text-rotate-y:10)+(align:"==>")+(text-size:0.7)+(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)[[Endings]] (set: $g to (text-colour:grey)) (set: $abilities to (a:)) (set: $endings to (a:)) (text-colour: black)[[TEST INITIALISER]] (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0,#001100,0.5,#000000,1,#110011)))

Goodness me, it's really quite lovely in here, isn't it. So lovely you think you could stay in here forever. However, there is one little problem: your back hurts from being so cooped up in this little thing. It's a miracle all pigeons aren't born with some sort of scoliosis. [[Stay in the egg longer.]] [[Try and peck your way out.]]

Ok. Right. Trying to peck your way out already, I see? It's going to be a difficult job, because you haven't yet developed your EGG TOOTH. [[What's an EGG TOOTH?]] (if:$braincell is not 1)[[Remain in the egg some more.]]

Mmm... pure yolkish bliss. Kinda incubating dat. [[Remain in the egg some more.]] [[Try and peck your way out.]]

An egg tooth is a small hard bit at the end of your beak, that's a little sharper than your as-yet-unsharpened beak, which allows you to break out of the egg, which is really quite fun. The egg tooth makes you look a bit more dinosaur-y than you already are, which is also a bonus. However, you will have to unequip the EGG TOOTH because it makes things hard further down the line. [[Break out of egg.]] [[Five more minutes doe...]]

Ok. You wonder if they will start charging you to use this thing if you overstay your welcome. But before you wonder that, you wonder what money, rent, and the very idea of 'overstaying a welcome' is, and you realise that all of these concepts are far beyond your ability to conceptualise things as a little baby pigeon. Thankfully, the mere act of thinking about things that you can't think about does give you one extra brain cell, which will be incredibly important later. It will give you more OPTIONS where some dumber pigeons might get really, really badly stuck. (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] Awesome. But [[continue to stay in the egg]] regardless. [[Try and peck your way out.]]

Ok, buddy, it is getting a little long now, and your EGG TOOTH has finally developed, so you may as well put it to use. [[What's an EGG TOOTH?]]

(enchant:?page,(bg: #330000))[=Peck. (after:2s)[(text-style:"fidget")[Peck.]] (text-style:"rumble")[(after:4s)[Peck!]] (after:6s)[You break out of the egg, which is very undramatic and not at all like the egg-breaks you've seen on TV (you had a TV in there, apparently) and you then slowly take your time to break the rest of the egg with your egg tooth, and slow and ungainly swings of your oversized, featherless head. You have gained the ability (text-colour:orange)[PECK]! [[Keep breaking the egg.]] [[Assess the nest situation.]]]

Mmmm... five more minutes doe... (set: $minutesdoe to $minutesdoe + 5) Minutes overslept doe: $minutesdoe [[Five //more// minutes doe...->Five more minutes doe...]] [[Break out of egg.]]

This is a largely fruitless endeavour, since your MOTHER is already (link-reveal:"hard at work")[ (parenting is a full time job!)], and you've got five siblings to contend with as well. You will need to just wait for her to get to you and help you out. [[Assess the nest situation.]] [[Five siblings??]]

Honestly, I will admit, even for a pigeon nest this is pretty barebones. It's about ten sticks arranged haphazardly on some balcony somewhere, and by the looks of things (which you gather from noises, rather than sight, because you are BLIND and FEATHERLESS for now) it's a pretty rough area. You hear cars, and people, sirens in the distance, but most reassuringly, the cooing of your MOTHER, who attends to your egg. You are one of the last to hatch in your batch of six. There were two more, but the poor construction of the nest has already claimed two 'rollovers', if you get what I am saying. [[Demand further incubation.]] [[Blind and featherless? How will I do anything?]]

Momma's boy. Quit proto-peeping and get yourself out of the egg like a real hatchling. You're not going to win any brownie points with that kind of needlessly coddling behaviour. But it might make you big and strong. And to be perfectly honest, you're kind of low on PECKO POWER right now. [[What is PECKO POWER?]] [[Get right back to egg-breaking.->Ok. That's fine.]]

It's called being ALTRICIAL. Most animals are born with at least a tiny amount of independence, or basic sensory capabilities, but you had the poor luck to be born as a pigeon, which means that when you are born, all of your senses (except hearing) are practically useless, your eyes are glued shut — it might have been worth staying in the egg for a little while longer, or maybe not... You wish you were PRECOCIAL like ducks, or chickens. A one-day old chicken already has more agency than you at a full two weeks old! [[Ok. That's fine.]] [[Rage against your ALTRICIAL nature!]]

Honestly it's a bummer. But your mother has already had a few clutches of kids, and most of them have been up to about nine siblings, so a class size of six is pretty manageable. Your FATHER returns home and sounds proud. He does not have much in the way of food on him. [[Beg for what food remains.]] [[Wait patiently for MOTHER.]]

This is a bold move: certain to earn you maybe a point of PECKO POWER or two... your dad doesn't seem too interested at first. [[Attempt to make loud noises.]] [[Try not to appear too cloying.]]

This is pretty taxing. There's a lot of time to wait around here. But thankfully, waiting for your mother gives you ample time to use up the remainder of your yolk-based resources, or nibble at your siblings a little bit, or perhaps give yourself a name. ENTER NAME: (force-input-box:2bind $comment,"===XXXXXXXXXX============",1,"Jeremy II") (live: 0.5s)[(if: $comment is "Jeremy II")[[I'm done entering my name.]]]

Lovely. Now, where were we? Your FATHER has just returned, and it doesn't look like he's got a tremendous amount of food to share. Your MOTHER is due out of the nest on another reconnaissance/nest building trip. Honestly, she is real for that one, she's already lost 25% of her clutch due to poor nest-building operations. [[Beg for what food remains.]] [[Wait patiently for MOTHER.]]

This is impotent. You can't even make any noise. But the fact that you are raging against a nature that you have no expectation or possiblity of changing is a sign of high intelligence, or at the very least high capacity for intelligence, later in life. You gain (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL.] (set: $bc to $bc + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Cool.->Ok. That's fine.]]

PECKO POWER, along with BRAIN CELLS, are the measure of a healthy and worldly pigeon. A pigeon with no PECKO POWER will not be able to do anything of note. A pigeon with no BRAIN CELLS will inevitably be pushed into really dumb situations. However, a pigeon that never gets into any sticky situations will never be challenged, and will therefore never get any BRAIN CELLS in the first place. Being a pigeon is a complicated business, and being a smart and strong pigeon is not just a case of cooing around and eating breadcrumbs. [[Accept explanation and move on.->Ok. That's fine.]]

Wonderful! Jeremy II. That's perfect. But your FATHER has given away all the food in the time it took you to come up with that name, and honestly, you would have probably had time to come up with that name even if you weren't the soppiest little pigeon at the back of the nest. [[Beg for food.->Keep begging.]] [[Keep waiting.->Wait for MOTHER.]]

That's the spirit, he'll understand that — he skips over at least four of your older bretheren and sees that you have the spirit of the Jawn inside you. Or maybe you're just a loud and arrogant little bastard, but whatever. He gives you the lion's share of his meagre portions. (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Keep begging.]] [[Lay off it a bit.]]

Well, that did not really work. He got to the third sibling and he's out of food already. This hasn't worked at all. Attempt to get his attention with something: (align:"<==")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXX=========")[[[Equip STICK.->Stick.]] [[Attempt to gain sympathy.->Sympathy.]] [[Bite sibling.]]]

This works, and you're all set for PECKO POWER as you get the milky crop stuff that you oh-so-love. (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Continue growing up.]]

This strategy isn't working — you're pushing at the wrong times, and honestly, this is the most crucial time in a pigeon's life. You know that not every pigeon makes it to be the shiny, iridescent beauty that (link:"you have come to expect from TV. ")[(Yes, you have been watching the TV inside the house you're sat on the balcony of)] [[Watch more TV.]] [[Wait for MOTHER.]]

Worse than useless. Not only have you failed to properly wield a weapon, but you have messed with the structural integrity of the nest, PLUS your only even half-decent weapon is your beak, so why are you trying to use that beak to hold a damn stick? Essentially, your INVENTORY as a pigeon is limited to whatever you can carry with your mouth, which is pretty limited, and affects your ability to FLY, PECK, and do other important actions. [[Give up.]] [[Try another method.->Try not to appear too cloying.]]

You aren't cute, you're still and ALTRICIAL blob of skin and warped eye sockets, and your head looks truly horrible. [[I'm not that ugly!]] [[Accept ugliness in the knowledge that one day you will gain IRIDESCENCE.]]

Double down I guess! You bite your sibling, which wastes energy, and achieves nothing except make sure that you WILL be the first to be cannibalised, if it comes to it. And, I'm going to be really honest, it may well come to it. [[Apologise for bite.]] [[Try another method.->Try not to appear too cloying.]]

A variety of shows are on, and you can vaguely see them now. You wait for a few days, watching TV, and are fed only infrequently when your MOTHER comes home with a banquet; you tend to get the leftovers though. This is negatively affecting your PECKO POWER, but via the medium of daytime TV, you have learnt a surprising amount of information about pigeon-based life that will definitely help you at some point in the future. (text-colour:red)[-1 PECKO POWER] (set: $pp to $pp - 1) (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL] (set: $bc to $bc + 1) (text-colour:grey)[PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Continue growing up.]]

You're getting weak, but she comes around eventually. [[Keep going along...]]

How exactly are you going to apologise? You have very little ability in terms of language, and your language isn't particularly robust to begin with. Most pigeon language is communicated through cooing vocalisations, which you don't have the capability to do yet. It's vaguely amusing to listen to you try, though; like watching an eight-year old girl try and do baritone opera. It's not working, you sound like a shopping trolley wheel gone awry, and your sibling is nibbling you back. [[Nibble back.]] [[Try another method->Try not to appear too cloying.]]

You peck. Your sibling pecks back. This is excellent combat practice. It's not really as advanced as the combat you will be getting into, but admittedly it's best to start early. Right now, neither of you can really walk or move, so it's kind of like a thumb war. One of you will have to win, there's no running away. (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Continue fighting.]] [[Set aside your differences in an orderly manner.]]

Yup. That makes sense. Give up before you've even really had a go. Well, time passes, and your MOTHER and FATHER are faily ok with your behaviour. [[Continue growing up.]]

Unfortunately, you are. I would include an image but it's just too horrible. [[Accept ugliness after profound internal struggle.->Continue growing up.]]

This is true! One day, you will gain IRIDESCENCE, which will really help things along. IRIDESCENCE is another power like BRAIN CELLS and PECKO POWER which will help you along, mostly when you have to find a mate. Your inquisitiveness into the nature of IRIDESCENCE, which you could only have found out about via borderline divine means, means that you gain +1 BRAIN CELL for your efforts. (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Continue growing up.]]

This is really not paying off. You have put yourself at a major PECKO POINT deficit. -1 PECKO POINT (set: $pp to $pp - 1) PECKO POINTS: $pp BRAIN CELLS: $bc [[Get a loan for PECKO POINTS.]] [[Don't bother with the loan.->Continue growing up.]]

(enchant:?page,(bg: white)+(text-colour: black))[=Right! You've survived the first stage of growth as a pigeon, and it might be time to take inventory of your development so far. PECKO POWER: $pp BRAIN CELLS: $bc (if:$pp <= 0)+(if:$pp > 2)[I have to say, your PECKO POWER is really lacking, but it can be fixed.] (if:$pp < 2)[After having assessed the situtation, maybe you are irrevocably boned and will need to fix that PECKO POWER deficit immediately.] (if:$pp > 1)[You're growing up to be a healthy, strong pigeon. Good job.] (if:$bc < 1)[However, you're none too smart, and that might need developing at one point, lest your only option become FLY INTO WINDOW or something equally stupid.](if:$bc >= 1)[In addition to this, you're a fairly smart pigeon, and you have a bright future in PIGEONOMICS or perhaps JAWNOSOPHY ahead of you.] It's time to [[grow feathers!]]

What is wrong with you? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you're just trying to piss off your siblings as much as possible, without regard to anything else. Even your MOTHER and FATHER can see this abhorrent behaviour. Accordingly they feed you less, which counteracts any further gains in PECKO POWER that you may have gained. [[Continue growing up.]]

Wonderful. Pigeon diplomacy at its finest. For that valiant brokering of a peace treaty between Jeremy II and Unnamed Sibling #4, you have earned yourself (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL]. (set: $bc to $bc + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Continue growing up.]]

Ok, Jeremy, I'm going to be the first to say that this is truly reckless behaviour. You're trying to get a loan for PECKO POINTS? You can't even go to the BANK OF JAWN, let alone get out of the nest! The effort that you have expended trying to get a loan and forgetting about your food intake has set you back even further! -1 PECKO POWER (set: $pp to $pp - 1) [[Continue growing up.]]

Your name is Jeremy II, after your FATHER, Jeremy II. You don't quite understand the nature of numbers yet so you're very much fine with how that works. Below are the options you get to choose from whilst selecting the feathers that you want to grow: (dropdown: 2bind $colour, "Specklo","Browno","Kinda greyo","Blacko","Greyo with the stripo wing","Kinda just normal doe") [[Accept feather colour selection.]]

Do you have any idea how genetics work? Really? Look, there's a whole website for this, here, it's called [[Pigeonetics]], and you can go play it — look, what I'm trying to say is that you can't //pick// your feather colour selection just like that. Both of your parents are grey with the stripey wing and so you will have that too, unless (somehow) there's been some infidelity in their bonded pair. (Which there hasn't been.) (link:"Read on...")[ Either way, you are now covered in these little tiny spines and they hurt a fair deal. These are called PIN FEATHERS and they will eventually grow into full feathers. Then you will be fully-fledged, which is where that term comes from. A bird that has yet to flee the nest is called a //hatchling//, but after that — you become a //fledgling//! How exciting. (link:"Read on...")[ Right now, you are approximately two weeks old, and have spent your life fighting for resources with your five siblings. You are not the best with PECKO POWER, despite your attempts, and Jeremy II 3 has that crown, he has more PECKO POWER than anyone in the nest. Your FATHER is getting a little better at bringing food in, and the competition is heating up. If you short out on PECKO POWER there is a chance that you might just... die. [[Keep pigeoning around.]]]]

Pigeonetics is a fun and informative web game about pigeon breeding, and dominant and recessive genes, available at: <a href="https://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/pigeons/pigeonetics/">Pigeonetics at the University of Utah</a> More web games about biology are also available, but I'd check them out later to avoid missing out on any of this cool pigeon story B) [[Return.->Accept feather colour selection.]]

Alright, you've got some options here, but this is the first time that options may be locked/unlocked due to degrees of PECKO POWER or BRAIN CELLS. This is where your choices really start to shape your life, because up until now you were kind of lacking in agency somewhat. (if:$pp >= 1)[[[Fight Jeremy II 3 for the majority of that sweet sweet crop milk.->fightj23]]](if:$pp <= 0)[(text-colour:grey)[LOCKED: 1 PECKO POWER required.]] (if:$bc >= 1)[[[Come up with a plan to coo and squeak your way to nest domination.->nestdominate]]](if:$bc <= 0)[(text-colour:grey)[LOCKED: 1 BRAIN CELL required.]] [[Do nothing.]]

This will be your first combat test! A proper fight with the man of the house. [[Sneezo power.]] [[Wing attack.]] [[Equip stick.]]

Right... but how exactly? [[Study SQUEAKOLOGY hard.]] [[Psychologically get into your nestmates' heads.]] [[Get cuter so that your parents think you're more viable.->Develop IRIDESCENCE.]]

Hey, at least you don't need anything to do this! While your nestmates are busy pecking each other around gaining valuable points, you are sitting at the back of the nest, wondering if there might be a third option to get ahead in life... [[Continue doing nothing.]] (if:$bc >= 0)[[Develop IRIDESCENCE.]](if:$bc < 0)[0 BRAIN CELLS required.]

You must be the dumbest pigeon alive. Jesus. The thickest of the thick. You're almost woodpigeon levels of thick. How many BRAIN CELLS do you even have again? Who dropped your egg from the balcony above? Wow. [[Blunder your way through juvenility.]]

Oh lord. You've hardly even gotten rid of your yellow downy feathers and you're already looking to get some IRIDESCENCE. This is not the time. Pigeon feathers develop in stages, and you've got a whole lot of different types of feathers. The main ones you've got to worry about for now are DOWNY, FLIGHT, and CONTOUR feathers. [[Learn more about pigeon feathers.]]

Look, my man, it's honestly not going too good. PECKO POWER is required for doing things, and BRAIN CELLS are required for thinking about things to do, and you appear to have very little of either. This fact is so evident to both of your parents that they have decided it is not really worth keeping you around any more, and when you get to the bottom of things, that's a pretty precarious situation you're in. You are currently 25 days old, and probably only about a week away from making it to adulthood, and having an independent existence as a pigeon. They have decided to cut you off, and you sit there in the nest box, really hoping for some sort of out. Things are not good. [[Use remaining reserves of PECKO POWER to squeak.]] (if:(history: where its name contains "Wait.")'s length <= 0)[[Wait.]]

I'm sorry, this isn't going to work. You can't just wait for things to happen as a pigeon, and if you're going to sit around doing this, then I guess you are going to have to learn the hard way that pigeon life isn't about letting things drift towards you. You think about all the random pecks you've done in the past, you think about glancing at the TV inside the house, you think about not very much, because to be honest, you haven't lived very long, and you evidently haven't used that time very well. Which is sad to say, because there would have been plenty of time for that sort of thing. You sleep, at last. //''GAME OVER.''// [[Play again.->Restart]] [[Try from previous choice.->Blunder your way through juvenility.]](set: $endings to it + (a: "Too early"))

How valiant, how corageous, how pointle- OH — ok, right, oh my god, the lady whose balcony you are precariously situated upon has taken it upon herself to take you in! Oh what corageousness on her behalf! She wants a pet for herself! She goochie-goochie-goos you and puts you in a little shoebox (lots of those around as you can see) and sets about fixing your PECKO POWER deficit by giving you human food, which is vaguely inappropriate for your young palate but definitely appreciated. (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Get pampered.]]

Oh hell yes. This is awesome stuff. You're getting shown how the world works, too, but unfortunately it's not your world. But of note is the fact that this is how pigeons were originally brought to this city (London) — they are not native to this part of Europe! Pigeons were first domesticated thousands of years ago, and the process is so old and so intertwined with human history that we really don't have an exact date for that figure. It is likely that pigeons were domesticated before the advent of permanent writing, which is utterly fascinating. //Where do you think that the native range of the rock dove (ie. the thing that became the domesticated pigeon) was?// [[Northern Europe, the Baltics, the Urals->q1a1]] [[Southern Europe, Northern Africa, Western Asia->q1a2]] [[Canada, Alaska, Eastern Russia->q1a3]]

Wrong! They were first recorded in Southern Europe, Northern Africa, and Western Asia, but it is unclear whether that is the original areas in which they lived, or if perhaps they only lived there because of domestication and transport. [[Continue being pampered.]]

Correct! They were first recorded in Southern Europe, Northern Africa, and Western Asia, but it is unclear whether that is the original areas in which they lived, or if perhaps they only lived there because of domestication and transport. And for getting the question right, have (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL] (set:$bc to $bc + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Continue being pampered.]]

There's a lot to see here. And due to the pampering, your feathers are not only growing, but shining. You haven't been taken to see your bretheren, but it is likely that the biggest of the lot (probably Jeremy II 3) has flown the nest once, or at least had a good go at it. The NICE LADY keeps your shoebox clean so you don't get poop all over your own feet, and she also keeps it filled with a nice mix of food, but you only like the lentils. [[Investigate room.]] [[Peck shoebox.]] [[Fill up on lentils.]] (if:visits > 3)[[Keep on being pampered.]]

Pretty interesting room. There's lots of plants around, which there weren't in your balcony. These seem like really intricate, indoor plants. Most of them look sick and have holes in the leaves where something must have eaten them. There's also boxes of stuff stacked up against the walls with all sorts of crap on them. [[Cool.->Continue being pampered.]]

This achieves nothing, but is quite fun. The box says DOC MARTENS on it. You wonder what that is. [[Continue.->Continue being pampered.]]

Yummy. This is the life. Perfect. [[Continue.->Continue being pampered.]]

This is awesome and all, but ultimately what do you want to be as a pigeon? There's a lot of stuff that you can do out there, and there's not a lot of stuff going on here. Most days you spend in the shoebox, and you look at yourself in the mirror and see your bald spot on the top of your head, and you think about what sort of pigeon you want to be. [[Strong pigeon.]] [[Smart pigeon.]] [[Pretty pigeon.]]

This is a good choice. You will grow up to be strong and use WING ATTACK and other such things to slap away foes, and perhaps even take on some sort of ultimate nemesis.(set:$pp to $pp + 2) (text-colour:green)[+2 PECKO POWER](text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] You watch the news on the little tablet thingy that the NICE LADY has set up for you and see that the MAYOR is giving a speech. The elections are coming up soon. [[Watch the speech on the little tablet thingy.]]

This is a good choice. You will outwit even crows, who are born with more BRAIN CELLS than a ball of woodpigeons the size of saturn. It's not even fair. Apparently there are crows your age who can pick locks and solve algebraic problems.(set:$bc to $bc + 2) (text-colour:green)[+2 BRAIN CELLS](text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] You will have to put the work in, but it will pay off. You watch the news on the little tablet thingy that the NICE LADY has set up for you and see that the MAYOR is giving a speech. The elections are coming up soon. [[Watch the speech on the little tablet thingy.]]

This is a good choice. Pretty pigeons win prizes, you've seen that stuff on the tablet that the NICE LADY sets out for you. She thinks she is instilling brotherly feeling in you by showing you all of those fancy pigeons on the internet, but in reality, she is just giving you fashion tips. A little feather sticking out there, a little glow and IRIDESCENCE there... perfect... (text-colour:green)[+2 IRIDESCENCE](set:$ir to $ir + 2)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] You watch the news on the little tablet thingy that the NICE LADY has set up for you and see that the MAYOR is giving a speech. The elections are coming up soon. [[Watch the speech on the little tablet thingy.]]

He's going on and on about how we need more schools and more police and all of that human stuff that doesn't really affect you. He's doing the speech in the middle of TRAFALGAR SQUARE, which used to be home to many pigeons. Now, they have HAWKS with trainers that patrol the area and stop too many pigeons from fouling up the statue of LORD NELSON. (link:"Read on...")[He continues spouting off about things that have no bearing on your pigeon life, when suddenly, a white splat appears on his beautiful navy-blue jacket. Ha ha! How funny, one of your own appears to have done a number on him. [[Keep watching.]]]

The man appears incensed. His face grows redder by the second as he fumbles around for his handkerchief, which he has evidently misplaced. He gestures aside and some awkward feedback makes everyone grimace. A front-page blunder. A gaffe for the ages. (link:"Read on...")[He walks down from the platform after no-one comes to his rescue, and comes back up, sans jacket. He looks like he is finally refreshed, ready to continue his aimless polemic, and... [[...]]]

It happens //again//! Bloody hell, right on his big forehead, and dripping down his nose, by the looks of things. The camera zooms in, the operator evidently wanting to get the best of things. And the MAYOR is left sputtering and coughing, no-one is really coming to help him. (link:"Read on...")[He uses his shirt sleeve to wipe the pigeon poo off of his face, tightening his lips so none of it goes in his mouth (!!!) and asks for some water. (link:"Read on...")[While waiting for the bottle to arrive, as none has been placed under the lectern, he grabs both sides of the platform and says, emphatically, "...and we MUST get rid of all of those damn pigeons!" (link:"Read on...")[Now, this does affect you. You are growing up in a city famous for its nestable buildings, good crumb-to-pavement ratios, and a healthy mix of old pigeon feeders and well-sheltered parks. (link:"Read on...")[All of this means that London is ranked as #1 Most Liveable City in //Pigeon Magazine//, but you wouldn't know this, since your only exposure to media has been the human stuff. [[Continue.->planofaction]]]]]]

(enchant:?page,(bg: white)+(text-colour: black))[=You think that if this man is re-elected, and put in charge of London, he's going to wage war on all pigeons. This will ''not do''. There are probably a few million pigeons in London, and if they're going to stand by and let this man get rid of all of them... well... I'll be damned! (link:"Read on...")[You have some general ideas of how to get rid of this plan, or at least get in the way of it a little bit. But to do so you'll need a hell of a lot more stats than you have now... (link:"Read on...")[//''CURRENT STATS:''// PECKO POWER: $pp BRAIN CELLS: $bc IRIDESCENCE: $ir These are rookie numbers... we're going to need a hell of a lot more than that. [[Continue.->nextscreen]]]]

You have three main types of feathers: //''DOWNY''//: fluffy, white, and used for insulation. //''FLIGHT''//: your main feathers used for aerodynamic control //''CONTOUR''//: the remaining feathers that cover your downy feathers and form smooth surfaces over your body It may also interest you to know that most pigeons //do not have preen glands//, and do not keep themselves clean and shiny with preen gland oil, but instead with dust — the tips of the individual barbs that form their feathers disintegrate into dust, which then coats the body in a dusty material, which maintains the remaining feathers. (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1) (text-colour:green)[+1 IRIDESCENCE](set: $ir to $ir + 1) (text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Fantastic.]]

This seems to be about as iridescent as you can get right now. So for now, you hunker down and try eating more and more to feed yourself up for the big day. [[The big day?->Keep nesting around.]]

Kinda useless doe. Should have gone for WING ATTACK. Jeremy II 3 hits you and bites you and you pretty much have to admit you've lost the fight. [[Concede.]]

This is the one! WING ATTACK does plenty of damage to Jeremy II 3, and helps you get the upper hand. An easy (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER] from fighting.(set:$pp to $pp + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Win the fight.]]

Why would you do this. ((if:(history: where (passage:it)'s tags contains "Stick.")'s length >= 1)[You've even been told about how bad of an idea that this is before!] You fail to properly wield the stick and get your pigeon behind handed to you by Jeremy II 3. [[Concede.]]

The fight is over and you have lost. But you have definitely gained experience from it. (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER] (set: $pp to $pp + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Keep nesting around.]]

This was a definite victory for you. Jeremy II 3 coos quietly. And you appear to have gained the upper hand morally as well, as your parents support you more, as they see you as the most viable fledgling... (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER] (set: $pp to $pp + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Keep nesting around.]]

Right, so the big day is coming, and I'm sure you're wondering what that is — if you've been paying attention to your DEVELOPMENT STAGE (which, judging by your relative absence of BRAIN CELLS, is probably the case) — then you will have realised it is almost time to become a FLEDGLING. FLEDGLINGS have certain responsibilities when it comes to flight, but are still largely maintained by their parents. This will be you, soon, as you approach your fourth and fifth weeks as a pigeon. In order to fly, you will need at least 3 PECKO POWER and 3 BRAIN CELLS. //''CURRENT STATUS:''// PECKO POWER: $pp BRAIN CELLS: $bc (if: $pp < 3)[Looks like your PECKO POWER is a little low...](if: $bc < 3)[and looks like your BRAIN CELLS are a little low...] (if: $pp < 3)[[Train PECKO POWER]](if: $pp < 3 and $bc < 3)[ or ](if: $bc < 3)[[Train BRAIN CELLS]] (if: $pp >= 3 and $bc >= 3)[Looks like you're all set to fly. But we'll give you the option to train up IRIDESCENCE as well, because that's always useful.[[Train IRIDESCENCE]]]

SQUEAKOLOGY is a useful subject, teaching you how to achieve the perfect squeak and whatnot, but its use is limited, because some of your brothers and sisters are moving on to the fine art of COOING. And as much as there might be a perfect squeak, it's not going to win hearts compared to a COO. But you have the book anyway, so it's worth having a look over it, even though it was written for humans: [[Read SQUEAKOLOGY book.]]

Tricky... how exactly are you going to do that without a robust sense of self? If you shuffle up to the window of the balcony, you can see yourself. But do you recognise it as yourself? Who is really 'you'? Are you just the BRAIN CELLS or the PECKO POWER that actuates them? Do actions squeak louder than coos? What exactly is a pigeon, anyway? All of these questions are very interesting to ponder and distract you from your original task, which negates any PECKO POWER that you could have gained, but the thinking you've been doing is simply tremendous, so enjoy a bouquet of BRAIN CELLS for your efforts. (text-colour:green)[+2 BRAIN CELLS] (set: $bc to $bc + 2)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Keep nesting around.]]

//Located towards the bottom of a pigeon's throat is the SYRINX, which allows them to make sounds without vocal cords. They do this by forcing air through the SYRINX, which is a Y shaped column that combines from the two AIR SACS towards the throat.// //This allows birds to make interesting and melodic sounds, as they are able to modulate the pitches of each branch of the Y shaped column, thus making two notes at once. However, this ability is less audible in pigeons, and they typically vocalise with their beaks closed, and use the resonance of CROPS and AIR SACS in order to produce that big, booming sound that pigeon enthusiasts know and love.// //Baby pigeons have less powerful SYRINXES, and smaller CROPS and AIR SACS which they compensate for by opening their mouths slightly to "squeak" rather than booming using the CROP. They also have larger nasal noles compared to adults, which also affects the pitch of their squeaks.// This information is incredibly useful, and you have learnt an ability! Abilities can be used to unlock special options during your life as a pigeon. (text-colour:green)[Learnt: SQUEAK.] (set: $abilities to it + (a: 'squeak')) [[Keep nesting around.]]

You peck and slap at nothing. Good practice for later on in life. 3 TOTAL PECKO POWER (set: $pp to 3) [[Spot something through the balcony window.]]

You read the only book you have, which is SQUEAKOLOGY. It is somewhat informative. 3 TOTAL BRAIN CELLS (set: $bc to 3) [[Spot something through the balcony window.]]

This is just great. All of the others are struggling to get their stats up, and here you are, working on your precocious IRIDESCENCE. Wonderful. (text-colour:green)[+1 IRIDESCENCE] (set: $ir to $ir + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Spot something through the balcony window.]]

You see that the LADY inside the flat has been watching something on her TABLET in the room that the balcony connects to. She is watching a speech that the MAYOR OF LONDON is giving. The elections are coming up soon. (link:"Read on...")[He's going on and on about how we need more schools and more police and all of that human stuff that doesn't really affect you. He's doing the speech in the middle of TRAFALGAR SQUARE, which used to be home to many pigeons. Now, they have HAWKS with trainers that patrol the area and stop too many pigeons from fouling up the statue of LORD NELSON. (link:"Read on...")[He continues spouting off about things that have no bearing on your pigeon life, when suddenly, a white splat appears on his beautiful navy-blue jacket. Ha ha! How funny, one of your own appears to have done a number on him. [[Keep watching.]]]]

It seems pretty easy, this whole flight business. All of your siblings have flown the nest already, and are waiting for you. And your parents aren't here either. But the LADY from inside the balcony has seen you, not flying, and has assumed that you need some help. She brings you inside and puts you in a shoebox with some food! How could this be an improvement over the nest? [[Ask the NICE LADY to leave.]] [[Get used to your new environment.]]

If this NICE LADY was one of the people who voted for this man... well... I'm not so sure if she's so nice after all. //She has cared for me//, you think, //so clearly not all humans are bad at all.// This little logical thing gets you (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1), despite the fact that it wasn't that hard to think about, but clearly it was emotionally difficult to process, and BRAIN CELLS aren't just all about logic! You want to leave. The NICE LADY has fulfilled her role as a caregiver, and as much as pigeons are supposed to be domestic creatures, you think, the rest of your life is ahead of you, a life full of renewed purpose — stop the MAYOR! (text-colour:grey)[PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Ask the NICE LADY to leave.]] [[Remain in the shoebox.]]

This appears to be the correct way to go about things. You muster up your squeaker and attempt to squeak as loud as you can, clawing at windows and making a general nuisance of yourself in the hopes that she will somehow take pity on you, and let you go. But that doesn't seem to be the case. It's not working! Something else might, though... [[Peck at the windows.]] [[Violently attack the NICE LADY.]] [[Try and communicate your feelings.]]

You had a chance to leave, and before you even took one step in that direction, you blew it. You spend your life getting posted on TikTok and all sorts of other insufferable platforms, never tasting the outside, save for the cage this NICE LADY puts over her balcony. After a life spent pecking at pre-found food, your pigeon instincts have atrophied to the point where you don't think you'd be able to find food if you went outside by yourself. You pass away a good few years after all of your siblings, due to the nutritionally enriched diet and proper hygiene that the NICE LADY gave you. But was it a life worth living? //''GAME OVER.''// [[Play again.->Restart]] [[Try from previous choice.->Return to your shoebox to think.]](set: $endings to it + (a: "Shoebox life"))

(enchant:?page,(bg: black))[=You are a little, tiny little, microscopic pigeon, inside an egg. It's absolutely great being in this egg. It's really quite splendid, and because you're a pigeon in a pigeon egg, there's very little chance that you're going to be cooked and eaten. [[Remain in the egg.]] [[Try and peck your way out.]]

(text-rotate-x:5)+(text-rotate-y:5)[= Thanks to my love, (text-size:1.1)+(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)[Titas], for making me love pigeons as much as I could possibly bear, and for pecking at my heels to make me make a pigeon-themed game... Thanks also to (text-size:1.1)+(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)[Dovile], who provided the inspiration for the NICE LADY, and (text-size:1.1)+(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)[Toby] for playtesting this buggy nightmare. Made in Twine 2.0, using Harlowe 3.2.3 [[Back.->Restart]] (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0,#001100,0.5,#000000,1,#110011)))

(text-rotate-x:10)[= (text-size:1.4)+(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)[A list of endings that you've unlocked.] (if:$endings contains "Too early")[1 — Too early (Fail to develop, and die as a baby)](if: $endings does not contain "Too early")[$g[HINT: Early out]] (if:$endings contains "Shoebox life")[2 — Shoebox life (Remain in the shoebox and live with the NICE LADY)](if: $endings does not contain "Shoebox life")[$g[HINT: Stay with the lady]] (if:$endings contains "Struggle bus")[3 — Struggle bus (Win the struggle but lose the game)](if: $endings does not contain "Struggle bus")[$g[HINT: Keep pushing!]] (if:$endings contains "Cooked and chopped")[4 — Cooked and chopped (Get cooked by the FLATMATE)](if: $endings does not contain "Cooked and chopped")[$g[HINT: Serves 4.]] Some endings unlock CHECKPOINTS, which can be used to access parts of the game quicker. Others unlock CHEATS... good luck with that! [[Back.->Restart]]

A pointless endeavour. She just thinks you're messing around, pooping on the windowsills and generally just being a pigeon. [[Try something else.->Ask the NICE LADY to leave.]]

She finds it endearing rather than violent, due to your PECKO POWER of only $pp. She is not going to think anything else of this behaviour. [[Try something else.->Ask the NICE LADY to leave.]]

You try and communicate your feelings clearly and concisely through the medium of sneeze-cooing and flapping your not-fully-developed wings. This doesn't really work, but she seems to be paying attention to your behaviour. Eventually she loses interest and goes into her room, you follow, skittering along the floor. [[Search for objects.]] [[Go up to her bed.]]

There's not much on the floor that could be useful. You try and pick up some stuff off of the lower shelves to show her but A), your behaviour would probably just be seen as adorable, and B), you only have $pp PECKO POWER, so lifting pretty much anything is impossible. [[Go up to her bed.]]

You awkwardly flap up onto her bed, and she makes a space for you with the blanket that you're allowed to poop on. You nestle up to her and peck at her phone. It reacts to it! [[Peck on the green thing.]] [[Peck on the red thing.]] [[Peck on the blue thing.]]

It opens YouTube. [[Type 'pigeon']] [[Type 'let me go']]

It opens Safari. [[Type 'pigeon']] [[Type 'let me go']]

It opens Forest Bikes. She closes it again. [[Try again.->Go up to her bed.]]

Videos of pigeons come up. She is enthralled at first, but then realises that you typed the word 'pigeon' whilst being a pigeon. Briefly, visions of world fame flash through her mind. The smartest pigeon in the entire world, he will be rich and famous. In that moment of madness, she goes to the kitchen and screams! You are alone in the bedroom. [[Check the surroundings.]] [[Follow the NICE LADY.]]

A song that neither you or the NICE LADY have ever heard comes up. She is enthralled at first, but then realises that you typed a whole sentence into her phone whilst being a pigeon. Briefly, visions of world fame flash through her mind. The smartest pigeon in the entire world, he will be rich and famous. In that moment of madness, she goes to the kitchen and screams! You are alone in the bedroom. [[Check the surroundings.]] [[Follow the NICE LADY.]]

You notice that the window is open. But on the other side is just a ledge, a thin windowledge at that, and if you were to go out of there, you'd have to fly to escape. She'd be very easily able to grab you and pull you back in if you didn't get away quickly. [[Escape using window.]] [[Follow the NICE LADY.]]

She goes into the kitchen and is completely awestruck when you get in. She asks you to come up to her shoulder. [[Do it.->shoulder]] [[Don't.->kitchen]]

Mmm... getting pampered could be nice... [[Get pampered.->pampered]] [[Realise you might get stuck in the flat and never be allowed out with normal pigeons again.->Ask the NICE LADY to leave.]]

This sounds really good, Jeremy II, but think about it. Do you want to make this life choice and stay with the NICE LADY? [[Yes.->Remain in the shoebox.]] [[No.->Ask the NICE LADY to leave.]]

It's very, very windy. You're really throwing yourself into the deep end here. But you think it's the right thing to do. The NICE LADY comes walking back into the room, and notices you with your head squeezed through the window. (if:$pp > 2)[[Use PECKO POWER to squeeze through window.]](if:$pp <= 2)[(text-colour:grey)[LOCKED: 3 PECKO POWER required.]] (if:$pp <= 2)[[Remain stuck.]]

She is not containing much emotion. She is bouncing up and down and thinking about how utterly awesome pigeons are. You are going to be famous with this lady. You are going to make the NICE LADY's life very easy. [[Start cooing.]] [[Attempt to display your intelligence in other ways.]]

She wonders whether you really are smart. She is having trouble reconciling your extreme intelligence displayed earlier with your current non-aptitude with words. //Maybe he only understands them written down//, she says, out loud, and begins writing on a whiteboard. [[Watch the whiteboard.]]

She asks you on the whiteboard, 'CAN YOU COME UP TO MY SHOULDER?' [[Do it.->shoulder]] [[Don't do it.->whiteboard2]]

Great! You have learnt the (text-colour:orange)[ability COO].(set: $abilities to it + (a: 'coo')) [[Continue cooing.]] [[Try anything else.]]

You move small grains of rice in such a way that makes the NICE LADY aware that you understand what they add up to. You manipulate your surroundings with ease (despite your weakness) and use her phone to record your own voice, play it back, and make the same noises over the top of the recording. Admittedly, BRAIN CELLS are really an understatement at this point. You are quite smart, as are all pigeons, but they do occasionally lack that true animal survival instinct, which is more about what BRAIN CELLS represent. She gets on the phone to her friend, who says that she's insane, and probably needs to check her flat's carbon monoxide detector. [[Continue smarting around.]] [[Return to the comfort of the shoebox.->Try anything else.]]

She rubs it out and asks 'do you want to stay with me?', which is a very generous question. If you say [[YES->whiteboard3]] or [[NO->whiteboard4]] she might just take you up on it.

You get out onto the windowsill, and prepare yourself to fly. Just as you've made all of the pre-flight checks, the NICE LADY walks into her room and watches on with a serious sadness. She knows how smart you are, and she just wants the best for you. But you has made up your mind, and she appears willing to accept that. [[Fly away.]]

You're really gonna have to think your way out of this one. She sees that you're desperately trying to get out. She knows you're pretty, and intelligent, there's no need to try and struggle to get away — she will treat you well. You think that perhas if you are to stay with her, she can become famous for having the most intelligent bird in the world (and show Alex and Apollo who's boss) and also make a load of money in the process, which can then be used to run for London Mayor. //Now// who's more insane? [[Struggle some more.]] [[Accept NICE LADY into your life.]]

This isn't working. But you struggle and she attempts to pull you back in by grabbing you, with the window still mostly closed. This is painful, but not as painful as not getting out! [[Struggle even more!]] [[Give up.->Accept NICE LADY into your life.]]

You think that it might be the best idea to get some rest after all that struggling. It seems like she knows that you're very smart and feels vaguely determined to get it out of you. [[Sleep.]]

You display your intelligence in such wonderful ways, and you spend a full day with the NICE LADY before you decide it is time to go to bed. Later, the NICE LADY's flatmates come home and they all call her absolutely insane, but she promises to take videos next time. [[Sleep.]]

(nth: visit, "Roo-coo-roo.","Coo-roo-coo.") [[Keep cooing!->Continue cooing.]] [[Back.->Start cooing.]]

You think that perhaps this is enough intelligence for the day, and you return to the shoebox to sleep. The NICE LADY is still on the phone, and now video-calling the friend, who still says she's insane. [[Sleep.]]

Sleepy time. The shoebox is actually quite nice, even if she closes the lid on you. You wonder if she's doing it for your safety or her reassurance. Either way is mildly troubling. [[Have a dream.]]

Can he do it? [[Struggggggllleee!!!!!]]

Yes he can! You get out onto the windowsill and pop free of the NICE LADY's grip, and you immediately fall three stories to your demise. As you lay on the pavement, you can see your siblings trying to flick themselves into flight, and they look like they're having a good time. Your FATHER looks unimpressed. //''GAME OVER.''// [[Play again.->Restart]] [[Try from previous choice.->Struggle some more.]](set: $endings to it + (a: "Struggle bus"))

(enchant:?page,(bg: white)+(text-colour: black))[=//It's been a long day//, you think, wings suddenly turning to autopilot like you've done this a thousand times before. You aren't such a bumbling little birdie after all. You fly over to the other side of the road and perch on a windowsill. You can hear your mother and a few of your siblings around somewhere, and they are encouraging you. It's all very sweet, and you wonder if any of them were worried that you were gone for a while there. They don't seem to mind, they're just glad you're back with them after your little visit to the NICE LADY. Something about the fact that she's still at the window makes you think that this is not the last you will be seeing of her. She seems to need you more than you need her right now... what with your plans for the future and all. [[Fly back up to your parents.]] [[Fly further away.]]

She lets you out onto the window and opens it. [[Go out onto the ledge.->Use PECKO POWER to squeeze through window.]]

You do a few more tricks and then call it a day, the NICE LADY still burbling and yelping in amusement whenever you do something cool or smart. [[Shoebox time.->Sleep.]]

(enchant:?page,(bg: white)+(text-colour: black))[=You dream of a big stage and a bunch of people all standing around you praising you for your intelligence, but in the background there's a hawk, a big fat hawk with a bald spot and a big white face and speckles of white on his chest with some dark wings, and he's flying towards you and it's ever so horrible; you wake in the middle of the night and slap your wings in fright against the top of the shoebox, which wakes up the NICE LADY, and she soothes you like a little baby, and then slowly replaces the lid. [[Resume sleeping.]]

They peck at you, and gesture that you should probably have a bigger test flight before you come back. They need you fit and strong, and they seem to say that there's only going to be a few more goes on the crop-milk before they finally say goodbye. Your mother then gives you a bit of crop milk, which is very needed after the lentils. (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER] (set: $pp to $pp + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Fly further away.]]

The houses that you've spent your whole life around so far recede into the distance. It's only been 35 or so days, and you've spent most of it being a tiny little fledgling, so it seems very strange to you to be out here, enjoying your full (or nearly full) wingspan. [[Do a vertical loop.]] [[Fly from place to place and then head back.]]

You sleep, and wake only when exposed to light, becuase your circadian rhythm as a bird is quite weak. You tend to get up at sunrise and go to bed at sunset. Perhaps it is because it is easier not to bump into things. Either way, it appers that overnight, the NICE LADY has procured a hell of a lot of food that seems more nutritionally valuable for you as a just-older-than-a-squab. [[Take a look at the food.]] [[Five more minutes doe...->fmmd]]

Absolutely not. You can barely keep flying for extended periods of time, let alone do something like that. It could be interesting to give it a go. [[Keep flying.->Fly from place to place and then head back.]]

Flying gives you some time to think about what you are, and what you want to become. But out of the corner of your eye, you see another flock of pigeons, all sitting on one part of a single section of roof. [[Investigate the other pigeons.]] [[Keep returning.]]

This is what pigeon life is uspposed to be about! Going out and meeting new people. There's about 15 of them, and you swoop down and awkwardly land on the peak of the roof, and slide down towards the group. [["Hi!"]] [[Say nothing.]]

You fly back, and take note of your surroundings as you go. There's some interesting places, bright lights, moving vehicles, and sounds and smells that make you know that this is home. //Did you know that scientists still aren't sure exactly how pigeons find their way home? It is likely a combination of a massive amount of factors, using all of their senses, including smell of all things, to return to where they were dropped off.// That interesting fact comes to you courtesy of a graffitied billboard, which has had the original gambling advert half-removed, and in its place, a remarkable factoid about yourself, which, being a pigeon, I suppose you had no way of knowing. [[Wonder about humans.]]

A few glances over shoulders, but all in all, it seems like the sort of place where pigeons keep to themselves. Suddenly, a dog begins barking below, and they all go skinny, feathers changing modes — they all take off in half a second, and before you can even assess the threat, you find yourself ten metres above the house, flying around in a great circle with a load of your brothers in wings, making impressive murmurating shapes. You're very impressed by the fact that this all seemed to happen without you paying much attention to it. You've gained the (text-colour:orange)[LIFTOFF ability]!(set: $abilities to it + (a: 'liftoff')) [[Break from the group and fly on home.->Keep returning.]]

They seem to be fine that the silence. Most of them are huddled, warm in their downy feathers. The mood is sour. [["Hi!"]] [[Remain silent.]]

You wonder if humans ever consider any of the weird reflexes that they do. You think that the humans' reflexes must be much more complex than yours. You wonder how much of the world that you see around you was built by reflexes like your LIFTOFF power. You see some stuff down on the ground, after flying around for a while. It's a green space. You know there are parks in London, but you wonder why humans have them. [[Wonder why humans have parks.]] [[Go pester a child.]]

Seems like the thing to do. The pigeons are all huddled. You've just come out from the NICE LADY's warm house, and compared to the nest, even this slightly warm bit of roof is not really doing it for you. It is evident that you will need to find some sort of shelter if you are to survive the coming months. In fact, what month is it? [[Ask what month it is.]] [[Remain silent.->"Hi!"]]

Your social skills are evidently not tuned in to the utter apathy of these pigeons. Eventually, one of them says, "Pigeon", and you really don't know what to make of that. All of the literature that you've been reading has months that are named after Greek and Latin things, gods, not 'pigeon'. Seems quite cool. But maybe he just misunderstood your request. [[Wait with the pigeons.->"Hi!"]]

It's a mix of carbs and vegetable protein, she's looked into the fact that you require carbohydrates in the summer and fats in the winter, and given that it is warm enough now, you assume that we're going into the summer, rather than out into the long stretch of winter — because why would your parents have children just before the coldest, harshest stretch of the year? It just wouldn't make any sense. [[Peck at the food.]] [[See what the NICE LADY is up to.]]

You sleep for another five minutes. (nth: visit, "It's quite impressively close to five minutes.","You look so cute sleeping and you don't even know it.","Oh lord you are so sweet.","You do need to get up though.","You can't stay asleep forever.","Or maybe you can.","Who even knows how long you'll be sleeping at this point.","Or maybe you're just sleeping in...","to read all of this text!") Minutes overslept doe: $minutesdoe [[Five more minutes doe...->fmmd]]

Mmm. Excellent. An easy (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER.] (set: $pp to $pp + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] This really is quite yummy, to be perfectly honest. You wonder how your outdoor bretheren are doing. [[See what the NICE LADY is up to.]]

She's getting ready for work. [[Ask to come along.]] [[Stay at home.]]

She interprets your clinginess correctly and says that you can't come to work with her. Seems fair, but if she's gonna leave you here for just one day, unattended, you feel like you have to do something to pass the time. She leaves for work shortly after. The activities can begin. [[Be home alone.->nlbedroom]]

She just thinks you're so well trained! [[Remain at home.->nlbedroom]]

Is it for their own amusement? But quite often, people in parks don't even go on the grass, they just stay on the bits between the grass. It seems odd to you that anyone would voluntarily give up such a large amount of land for seemingly so little. (link:"Read on...")[You just don't get humans sometimes. Plus, honestly, for you, their tall buildings are much better for nesting than any trees. It's in your blood. Leave the parks and the big swaying wooden perches to the woodpigeons. Normal pigeons (ie. rock doves) are the only pigeons that have adapted to city life, perhaps the only birds that truly thrive in cities. (link:"Read on...")[So off with Kensington Gardens, off with Ravenscourt Park! All we need are squares with nice old people who give us this day our daily peas and peanuts. That's what you think of all of that! [[Continue flying home.->Fly back.]]]]

A pesterable child approaches! Your first enemy in the real world. [[Peck!->childpeck]] [[Slap!->childslap]] [[Coo!->childcoo]]

(if:$abilities contains "liftoff")[You attempt to peck at the child, and he nearly kicks you, setting off your LIFTOFF power. Hmm. Maybe this whole LIFTOFF thing isn't all it's cracked up to be.](if:$abilities does not contain "liftoff")[He threatens to kick you, and your body just jumps up before you know what's going on. You're ten metres up in the air before you realise you've basically resigned. Damn.] [[Fly back.]]

Alright, let's come in close for a slap, a little fly-by slap, and POW- right in the back of the head! (link:"...")[Damage report: child is laughing. (link:"...")[Hmm, not ideal. Perhaps go in for a second try! (link:"...")[Circle back around... he's (link:"...")[He's running away! (link:"...")[Successful fight for Jeremy II. Experience GAIN. [[Fly back.]]]]]]]

The child imitates you. How absolutely insulting. Fight like a man, you... uh, not-a-man-yet. Oops. Well, this has been a big waste of cooing. The child laughs, and his mother drags him away. [[Fly back.]] [[Wonder why humans have parks.]]

You've had quite an interesting day today, perhaps biting off more than you can chew, flying-wise. There's only a little bit left in the tank, and uh-oh — basically nowhere to refuel. You've been hungry for a while now, and as much as oyu know the idea with spots and certain little areas where all the pigeons congregate, you can't bear the feeling of having to LIFTOFF at the slightest touch. It's not a power, it's a curse. [[Stop for food.]] [[Go straight home.]]

You are in the NICE LADY's bedroom. It is full of stuff. [[Open door.]] [[Inspect stuff.]] [[Open window.]]

It's completely stuck on its hinges. //If only there were a way to push the handle down.// [[Back.->nlbedroom]]

There is a shelf covered in stuff next to the door. There is an unopened set of drawers, and a shoebox which you live in, which has some food in a small glass jar in one corner. [[Inspect shoebox.]] [[Inspect drawers.]] (if:(history: where its name contains "Inspect belt on floor")'s length <= 0)[[Inspect shelves.]](if:(history: where its name contains "Inspect belt on floor")'s length > 0)[[Inspect fallen lighter.]]

Can't even budge it.(if:(history: where its name contains "Accept NICE LADY into your life.")'s length >= 1)[She seems to have learned from yesterday's tribulations.] [[Back.->nlbedroom]]

Yup. Hardly a home, but you're sure that you will be able to press for upgrades once that cash starts flowing in. [[Back->Inspect stuff.]]

There seems to be a whole load of tissues in the top. They come out quite easily, and you very easily ruin the entire box out of sheer boredom. The floor is covered in tissues. [[Easy. What to ruin next?->Inspect stuff.]]

They are flimsy and look old. On the shelves there is a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and a couple of books, and a belt. [[Move towards cigs.]] [[Peck at books.]] [[Attempt to push belt.]]

They smell horrible to you, and you don't even have a good sense of smell. You gently walk over to them and accidentally push them over the edge, and they come down with a little noise. Not bad. You should do it again. [[Peck at books.]] [[Attempt to push belt.]]

You peck at the books... Steppenwolf, American Psycho, who is this lady? You peck some more and your PECKO POWER of $pp pushes the books over the edge. They come down with a huge bang and you immediately rocket up, without even knowing what happened. You gained the (text-colour:green)[LIFTOFF power]!(set: $abilities to it + (a: 'liftoff')) [[Crash back down.]]

It doesn't move. It's too heavy, but quite impressive-looking, wide and shiny black. It tastes ok. [[Peck at books.]]

That didn't work. But in your LIFTOFF, you have accidentally toppled the shelves, which has blocked the door from you opening it even further. That is very useful if you want to spend the entire day in this room doing nothing. [[Inspect belt on floor.]]

There's no way you're moving this belt now. [[Back.->Inspect stuff.]]

You inspect the fallen lighter and think little of it. (if:(history: where its name contains "Inspect drawers")'s length > 0)[[Slap lighter.]](if:(history: where its name contains "Inspect drawers")'s length <= 0)[[Back.->Inspect stuff.]]

You slap the lighter, which is awful and old, and a silly little fuel-based thing, but boy do the tissues go up in flames REAL fast. They burn pretty much instantly and some of the closer plants catch on fire, too, and the old-looking shelf catches some singe. What to do now? (if:$bc >= 4)[[Use flap powers to stop the fire.]](if:$bc < 3)[(text-colour:grey)[LOCKED: 4 BRAIN CELLS required.]] [[Become a lovely roasted pigeon.]]

(if:(history: where its name contains "Become a lovely roasted pigeon.")'s length < 1)[This works, but it's not really helping you push the handle down. The door isn't even locked, for goodness sake.] The smoke alarm goes off. One of the NICE LADY's flatmates are home, and she comes into the hallway to try and diagnose the problem. She smells burning coming from your room, and knocks on the door. [[Coo loudly.]] [[Hide in the shoebox.]]

Right, this seems like it's the wrong thing to do on a pretty basic level, which, even with your BRAIN CELL count of $bc, is pretty easy to figure out. You gain a BRAIN CELL realising this. You do, however, nearly die in the process, so your PECKO POWER is reduced. (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL] (set: $bc to $bc + 1) (text-colour:red)[-1 PECKO POWER] (set: $pp to $pp - 1) (text-colour:grey)[PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Await rescue.->Use flap powers to stop the fire.]]

The lady comes inside and sees you on the bed. She thinks about chasing you out of the room, and then she remembers that the NICE LADY was talking about the pigeon being really smart. Would it do something like this if it was smart? //Hmm...//, she thinks, //but the pigeon has put the fire out by itself... perhaps there is something to its intelligence.// She is not, by any means, fully convinced, but she will be watching you closely. [[Wait until she's gone, and then see what other havoc is there to be played.->Sneak out of the shoebox.]]

A risky move, considering it's flammable. But the NICE LADY's flatmate comes into the room and notices the burning crap and wonders what the hell happened. She calls the NICE LADY and says it's ok now, and when she leaves, you see out of the hole in your shoebox that she's left the door open. RESULT! [[Sneak out of the shoebox.]]

Slowly you approach the edge of the room, waiting for the other lady to be gone. You feel like maybe you should give these people names, because there are a few of them, and things are going to get confusing otherwise. Hmm, I suppose this one can be called FLATMATE. There's only one, you think. [[Sneak into hallway.->nlhallway]] (set: $toiletpaperheld to false) (set: $toiletpaperonfloor to false) (set: $oilpushed to false) (set: $oilonfloor to false) (set: $slip to false) (set: $container to false)

You fly in a zigzag over the city, looking for stuff to eat, and there's too much stuff to even consider — how does a pigeon even narrow down where to go to? You stop at a bin and all seems well. You're walking around in the busy foot traffic near Shepherd's Bush Market tube station, and you wonder exactly what the hell is going on. A bin, literally full of food? [[Get in bin.]] (if:$bc > 2)[[Don't get in bin]](if:$bc <= 2)[(text-colour:grey)[LOCKED: 3 BRAIN CELLS required.]]

This seems like the easiest thing to do. You coast back home on a wind that's very beneficial, flying over Westfield, and then shortly thereafter, home! [[Regale everyone with stories of your day out.->nlnest]]

Oh man oh man oh mannnnn oh there is so much fooood!!!!! They never said that being a pigeon was this easy. Yumyumyum... but there's all sorts of smells in this, and as a result, you absolutely stink. [[Fly home, smelly.]]

You opt for cleaner discarded food, and just nibble at crusts, chicken bones, and the like. Some guy looks like he's about to shoo you, and your LIFTOFF power takes over again, and suddenly you're ten metres up with a chicken bone in your mouth. At least you don't smell like rubbish. [[Fly home, and tell stories of the things you've seen today.->nlnest]]

You absolutely reek. There's like green lines coming off you and all. All of the feather dust in the world isn't gonna fix this. You get back in the nest and everyone is like //What the hell Jeremy, clean yourself NOW//. This didn't occur to you on the way here, so you must submit yourself to being preened and cleaned by the others. They direct you to a puddle that's close to the bottom of the block of flats you currently reside in. As you leave, you think it's a miracle that the nest is still intact, with eight adult-sized (more or less) pigeons in it. It's barely over a twig per pigeon. [[Clean up.]]

This would be easier to do if you didn't have so many siblings all trying to tell the same stories at the same time. (link:"Read on...")[Jeremy II 3 is boasting about taking down and owl, and everyone is calling his bluff, he didn't actually do that. He says that he was going to bring a feather home but it blew out of his mouth. Fat chance. (link:"Read on...")[The female Jeremy IIs' (yes, they were also called Jeremy II), numbers 2 and 4, are talking about boy pigeons and how that all works. MOTHER is not looking particularly happy, FATHER is attempting to show off his best spin and brush, but it's not funny at all when he tries this stuff. It comes off as vaguely predatory, which is sad because we all know he loves MOTHER very much, they're pair bonded and almost five years old! (link:"Read on...")[And here you are, sitting in the corner, wondering when you're going to be able to tell everyone about parks and the little kid you defeated in combat. Well, maybe not defeated, but we can leave the little details for later. [[Listen to more stories from your parents.]]]]]

Your FATHER goes first, and he tells a very moving story about fighting with a cat. When he was 1, he lost a chunk of his tail to a cat, but he didn't realise that a lot of cats in London are house cats, and have no idea what to do with you if they kill you, so most won't approach. Chances are, if you've been in the area before and never seen this particular cat outside, you'll be safe. [[Then your MOTHER goes next...]]

You return, and your parents say they want to impart some advice to you and your siblings, because life as a pigeon is not so easy. [[Listen to more stories from your parents.]]

(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)+(text-rotate-x:-15)+(text-rotate-y:-10)+(align:"<==")[ // Welcome to // ] (bg: white)+(text-rotate-x:10)+(text-rotate-y:10)+(align:"=><=")+(text-style:"bold","italic","expand")+(text-size:2.5)+(text-colour: black)[ Pigeon Simulator ] (bg: white)+(text-colour: black)+(text-rotate-x:-15)+(text-rotate-y:-10)+(align:"==>")[ // by Alexander "Jawn" Taylor // ] (text-rotate-z:357)+(text-rotate-x:10)+(text-rotate-y:10)+(align:"==>")+(text-size:1.5)+(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)+(text-style:"bold","italic","outline","expand")[[ Begin. ->Begin.]] (text-rotate-z:357)+(text-rotate-x:10)+(text-rotate-y:10)+(align:"==>")+(text-size:0.7)+(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)[[Credits]] (text-rotate-z:357)+(text-rotate-x:10)+(text-rotate-y:10)+(align:"==>")+(text-size:0.7)+(bg: white)+(text-colour: black)[[Endings]] (set: $g to (text-colour:grey)) (set: $abilities to (a:)) (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0,#001100,0.5,#000000,1,#110011)))

She tells a long tale about meeting a wise, old crow, who said that fighting was not always the answer. Wild pigeons, he said live 15 years if they're unharmed, the same as they do in captivity — but only 3-5 years if they are out on rough streets. Which is sort of crazy, if you stop and think for a second — an increase of three to //five times// in lifespan, just from not doing certain things. Even humans have only double-and-a-bit-ed their average lifespans, with all of their complex medical care. You feel yourself getting smarter by listening, and you get (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1) as a result. (text-colour:grey)[PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Keep listening.]]

She tells another story, which is shorter, and perhaps a little indicative of the fact that your parents are not very well-travelled. She brags about having met a pigeon from (link-reveal:"BRENT")[ (which is about 10 miles away, as the pigeon flies)] once. It's been a while now, and the hour is growing late. Your FATHER thinks it's time for you all to go to bed, you've had a very exciting day, but it is the first of hopefully a few thousand that you will get, as a pigeon. [[Dream.]] (set: $route to "outdoor")

(nth: visit, "Wow, a lot of possibility here.","Time to mess things up.","Some serious hijinks on-the-way!.","Jeremy II surveys his surroundings for the sole purpose of havoc..","Keep thinking, you'll definitely be able to make something break.") (if:$toiletpaperheld is true)[You are carrying a wad of toilet paper.] (if: $oilonfloor is true)[There's oil all over the floor.] [[Go into bathroom.->nlbathroom]] [[Go into kitchen.->nlkitchen]] [[Go into storage cupboard.->nlcupboard]] [[Check out shoe rack.->nlshoes]]

You see a [[roll of toilet paper->nltoiletpaper]], a [[toilet->nltoilet]], a [[shower->nlshower]].(if:$toiletpaperheld is true)[You are carrying a wad of toilet paper.] [[Back to hallway.->nlhallway]]

Plenty of things to break in here. You see [[unwashed dishes->nldishes]], a [[cooking hob->nlhob]], and an [[open cupboard->nlkitchencupboard]]. [[Back.->nlhallway]] (if:$toiletpaperheld is true)[You are carrying a wad of toilet paper. [[Drop toilet paper on floor?->nlkitchentp]]]

There's a lot of (nth: visit, "garbage","trash","rubbish","litter","refuse") in here.(if:$toiletpaperheld is true)[The toilet paper looks like it fits right in.] [[Peck a switch.->nlcupboardswitch]] [[Back.->nlhallway]]

Nice shoe rack. Lots of //Doc Martens//... you wonder if that could have anything with the shoebox you've been put in. Unlikely that you'll be able to do anything with the shoes other than ineffectually peck at them.(if: $oilonfloor is true)[ There's tiny specks of oil on them.] (if: $slip is false)[[Ineffectually peck at the shoes.->nlshoespeck]](if: $slip is true)[[Back.->nlsliphallway]]

You land on the toilet paper and it rolls. [[Rip off a bit of toilet paper.->nltoiletpaperunrolled]]

You can't quite get it to flush, which is good, because if it did, you'd probably fall in and get flushed away. [[Back.->nlbathroom]]

You can't turn any of the taps on, but your coos are impressively resonant when in the bathtub. [[Back.->nlbathroom]]

PECK was ineffective! [[Back.->nlhallway]]

You rustle some dishes. There's a few lightweight plastic containers that you can push properly though. [[Push plastic container off of counter.->nlcontainer]] [[Back.->nlkitchen]]

You can't turn the hob on, which is really sad because it would be really destructive if you did. There are some kitchen towels on the front of the hob, but you can't quite push them off. [[Back.->nlkitchen]]

Plenty of stuff... there's oil (if:$oilpushed is true)[(well, at least there //was// oil)], salt, whatever. (if:$oilpushed is false)[[Push stuff out of cupboard.->nlkitchencupboardpush]] [[Back.->nlkitchen]]

You push the OIL CONTAINER over, and it begins dripping out of the cupboard all over the counter.(set: $oilpushed to true) [[Back.->nlkitchencupboard]]

A hairdryer turns on, and FLATMATE comes out of her room to investigate. She walks past the kitchen door, through the hallway. (if:$toiletpaperheld is true)[The toilet paper is blowing around.](if: $oilonfloor is true)[ And she absolutely cartwheels over on the oil that's all over the wooden floor. Even her hair is covered in oil. She's very confused, and she looks like she needs a wash.] (if: $oilonfloor is false)[She sees you pecking around, removes you from the CUPBOARD, and turns the hairdryer back off. She goes back in her room.(set: $toiletpaperheld to false)] (if: $oilonfloor is false)[[Back.->nlcupboard]](if: $oilonfloor is true)[[Assess the oil spill and FLATMATE's condition.->nlsliphallway]]

(if: $toiletpaperonfloor is false)[You push a container onto the ground. It makes a loud sound and FLATMATE comes up to pick it up. She pushes you outside.](if: $toiletpaperonfloor is true)+(if: $oilpushed is false)[You push a container onto the floor and it makes no sound. Nice.](if: $toiletpaperonfloor is true)+(if: $oilpushed is true)[You push a container along the counter, and it fills with oil from the slowly leaking bottle.] (if: $toiletpaperonfloor is false)[If only there were something that you could pick up that would deaden the sound of your fun, so you could have uninterrupted joyous days of throwing small plastic objects around.](if: $toiletpaperonfloor is true)+(if: $oilpushed is true)[When you push it onto the ground, it bounces and launches oil all over the hallway.(set: $oilonfloor to true)] [[Back.->nlkitchen]]

You unravel some more toilet paper and it's now in a bundle that you can reasonably easily carry.(set: $toiletpaperheld to true) [[Back.->nlbathroom]]

(set: $toiletpaperheld to false)You drop the toilet paper on the floor. (if:(history: where its name contains "nlcontainer")'s length >= 1)[Seems that this is the sound deadening you were looking for...](set: $toiletpaperonfloor to true) [[Back.->nlkitchen]]

FLATMATE is very unhappy at your hijinks. But hijinked you have; you're satisfied with the day's work. Perfect. FLATMATE approaches, oil-sodden and already hurt. Maybe you might be able to seal the demon back in her BEDROOM.(set: $slip to true)(set: $showeron to false)(set: $shampoooil to false)(set: $showering to false) FLATMATE is following you around. [[Go into bathroom.->nlslipbathroom]] [[Go into kitchen.->nlslipkitchen]] [[Go into storage cupboard.->nlslipcupboard]] [[Check out shoe rack.->nlshoes]]

(if: $wetjawn = false)[FLATMATE is following you around. She doesn't seem to like where this is going.](if: $wetjawn = true)[FLATMATE is in a different room to you, likely because you're flicking off large quantities of toilet water whenever you move.] [[Mess with toiletries.->nlsliptoiletries]] [[Do the thing with the toilet roll again.->nlsliptp]] (if: $wetjawn = false)[[Attempt to flush toilet.->nlsliptoilet]] [[Back.->nlsliphallway]]

The kitchen. Such a lovely scene, covered in oil and toilet paper. You see [[unwashed dishes->nlslipdishes]], a [[cooking hob->nlsliphob]], and an [[open cupboard->nlslipkitchencupboard]]. [[Back.->nlsliphallway]] (if: $shampoooil = true)[You can also take the oil-filled shampoo bottle [[back to the bathroom.->nlslipbathroomoil]]]

There's a lot of (nth: visit, "acrid smells","refuse","rubbish","litter","toilet paper","black mould","specks of oil") in here. [[Back.->nlsliphallway]]

(enchant:?page,(bg: white)+(text-colour: black))[=You dream of a big storm. You don't actually know that the weather changes at this point, sure, there are plenty of things that you understand, but there are also millions of pieces of information that fall outside your grasp. (link:"Read on...")[You pecko at them, but they yield very little. PECKO POWER is not all it's cracked up to be, nor BRAIN CELLS, sometimes... perhaps IRIDESCENCE will help you more? Or perhaps not, that seems like a choice for the vain, either way: (link:"Read on...")[The mayoral elections are coming up, and you cannot let that man be re-elected if he swears to rid the capital of pigeons. The dream takes a strange shape, and pushes his face into a big red and white swirl, like a paint mixer, and apparently he //loves// to eat in steak bars, and you feel a bit of vertical movement, [[and you...->judder awake]]]]

You fall into the toilet after sliding off the flusher handle. You moron. You are now covered in toilet water. Admittedly, the water is cleaner than you are, considering your propensity to poo where you sleep. [[Look up.->nlsliptoiletfall]]

(if: $container is false)[There are some fairly small, travel-size bottles of gel that you might be able to pick up, but only if you had something to carry it in. Your beak isn't shaped for that sort of thing.](if: $container is true)[You scoop up a travel-size bottle with the container.(set: $containerready to true)] [[Back.->nlslipbathroom]]

You rip off a bit of toilet roll. RIPA!(set: $toiletpaperheld to true) [[Back.->nlslipbathroom]]

The FLATMATE is readying her grip on the toilet handle. But she can't flush you due to the oil on her hands. Goodness, thankfully she hasn't washed off any of this oil yet. [[Flap out of the toilet.->nlslipbathroom]](set: $wetjawn to true)

There are still a few plastic containers left. [[Attempt to pick up small container.->nlslipcontainer]] [[Nibble at wet food on dishes.->nlslipwetdishes]] [[Back.->nlslipkitchen]]

Same as last time. Nothing you can do to turn it on... yet. [[Back.->nlslipkitchen]]

The oil is already dripping out of the cupboard. (if: $container is true)[But now you have the little travel shampoo bottle with you, you think that it might need filling up. With oil.] (if: $container is true)[[Fill container with oil.->nlslipfilloil]] [[Back.->nlslipkitchen]]

Hmm! Easier than you thought! You have pecked... I mean //picked// up the container.(set: $container to true) [[Back.->nlslipkitchen]]

(enchant:?page,(bg: black))[=(input-box:2bind $roomselector,"=XX=","First, type a room name, and then click on the LOAD LOADER button.") (link:"Load loader")[(text-size:3)[(link-goto: "GO!", $roomselector)](if:$roomselector="")[You have to enter a room name FIRST.]] (t8n:"instant")+(link-rerun:"Increase PECKO POWER by 1")[(set: $pp to $pp + 1)] (t8n:"instant")+(link-rerun:"Decrease PECKO POWER by 1")[(set: $pp to $pp - 1)] (t8n:"instant")+(link-rerun:"Increase BRAIN CELLS by 1")[(set: $bc to $bc + 1)] (t8n:"instant")+(link-rerun:"Decrease BRAIN CELLS by 1")[(set: $bc to $bc - 1)] (t8n:"instant")+(link-rerun:"Increase IRIDESCENCE by 1")[(set: $ir to $ir + 1)] (t8n:"instant")+(link-rerun:"Decrease IRIDESCENCE by 1")[(set: $ir to $ir - 1)] (link-rerun:"Load stat sheet")[ current PECKO POWER $pp current BRAIN CELLS $bc current IRIDESCENCE $ir] (text-colour: black)[TEST]

...judder awake. You almost fell out the damn nest! Jeremy II 2 slaps you on the neck with her wing, as if to say, "Next time you won't be so lucky to have us around." But! Mometary lapse aside, there's a lot of stuff to do today. It's the first day of the rest of your life, or some inspirational schlock like that. [[Fly around!]] [[Study nest-building techniques.]] [[Chat with siblings.]]

There's plenty of places that you can see. Right now, your range is limited to within the west-centre of London, but you're pretty sure that more PECKO POWER will be able to change that. [[Back to the nest!->nest 0]]

Not here. Jesus, not here. You're better off going anywhere else. [[Back.->nest 0]]

Jeremy II 2 seems pretty feisty. She's very grown up and has at least 3 more IRIDESCENCE than you as a result. She says that she's going to become a RACING PIGEON or a BEAUTY QUEEN, and honestly, you sort of see it. [[Back.->nest 0]]

Gross! Why would you //do// that? Goodness me. Wow. Gross... [[Back.->nlslipkitchen]]

(if: $wetjawn = false)[You push the bottle under the slowly dripping oil and it slowly fills up. But then FLATMATE sees you and removes the bottle, and throws it away. Drat. You'll have to get another one, and make sure she's not following you around next time.](if: $wetjawn = true)[Without FLATMATE seeing you at all, you push the bottle under the oil drips and it slowly fills up.(set: $shampoooil to true)] [[Back.->nlslipkitchen]]

You place the oil-filled bottle back in its proper place. Now what? [[Pester FLATMATE.->nlslippester]] [[Wait around to see what happens.->nlslipwait]]

You attempt to peck at FLATMATE's door. She's probably changed, she sounds like she's frustratedly trying to clean her hair. [[Wait.->nlslipwait]]

You wait for a little bit. Seems like nothing's happening. [[Go into the hallway.->nlbottlehallway]]

(if: $showering = false)[Silence, bar the sound of hair being brushed in FLATMATE's room.](if: $showering = true)[The shower is running. [[Wait.->nlshowering]]] (if: $showering = false)[[Go into bathroom.->nlbottlebathroom]] (if: $showering = false)[[Go into kitchen.->nlbottlekitchen]] (if: $showering = false)[[Go into storage cupboard.->nlbottlecupboard]]

You can [[fiddle with the toiletries->nlbottletoiletries]], [[attempt to flush the toilet again->nlbottleflush]], or [[give the shower a go.->nlbottleshower]] [[Back.->nlbottlehallway]]

There's not much to do in here. Not since you've really messed with everything that's pigeon-weighted. [[Back.->nlbottlehallway]]

The hairdryer switch beckons again. [[Peck switch.->nlbottledryer]] [[Back.->nlbottlehallway]]

Don't mess with your oil bottle! Or you'll have to set it all up again... [[Back.->nlbottlebathroom]]

You fail to flush the toilet, thankfully. [[Back.->nlbottlebathroom]]

You attempt to turn on the shower. The handle, being poorly-made, is very easy to turn and moves quickly after even a small peck. The shower is on!(set: $showeron to true) [[Back.->nlbottlebathroom]]

(if: $showeron = false)[You peck the on switch for the hairdryer and FLATMATE walks out to turn it off. You hear her mumble something about the ELECTRICITY BILL...](if: $showeron = true)[You press the on switch for the hairdryer and FLATMATE comes out to turn it off. But she notices the shower is on, too, and makes a detour to have a shower!(set: $showering to true)] [[Back.->nlbottlecupboard]]

You (link-reveal:"wait")[ for what seems like (link-reveal:"a long time")[, a really, really long time. (link-reveal:"And then...")[ comes [[screaming->nlscreaming]]]]].

"WHY THE ^&@! HAS SOMEONE PUT OIL IN MY ∞§^‡*· SHAMPOO?! I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE HAVING THE LACK OF $%^&$ BRAIN CELLS TO DO THIS." FLATMATE is in ruins. [[Declare victory.]]

Rightfully so! You have shown her who is the superior being in this house. (text-colour:green)[+2 BRAIN CELLS](set: $bc to $bc + 2) (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp + 1) (text-colour:grey)[PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Wait until NICE LADY gets home.]]

Uh-uh-uh! Not so simple there, Jeremy! FLATMATE is out to get you now, you realise? Her shower won't be done for a while, so you'll have plenty of time to hide. [[Go to NICE LADY's bedroom.]] [[Wait a little while... see what happens!]]

You go into the NICE LADY's bedroom and think about what you've done. Because you've done a whole lot of very bad things, the floor in the hallway is covered in toilet paper and oil, and there's dreadful noises emanating from FLATMATE's room. [[Contemplate your actions more.]] [[Move on with life.]]

Her shower ends abruptly, and she slams open the door and tries to find you. You are soaked in toilet water and oil and scraps of toilet paper, which has usually proved a good defence. However, FLATMATE's rage has completely overcome any sense of hygiene that she has, and so she picks you up immediately. (if:$pp < 7)[(text-colour:grey)[CANNOT PECKO TO ESCAPE! 7 PECKO POWER required.]](if:$pp >= 7)[[Pecko to escape.->peckescape]] [[Accept your fate.->cooked]]

Lucky for you, she's not going to kill you immediately. But she is a good chef, and that does not bode well for you. You fly and fly and eventually she seems to relent! She cleans you up, coddles you, and honestly, for an hour or so, treats you just as nice as the NICE LADY. Maybe you were wrong in your assumptions about her. But then she gets you into bed, and she has a tab open on her laptop that says: (align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[ #RECIPE [[PIGEON BREAST WITH BABY POTATOES]] Serves 4 • Cooking time 3.5hrs by Ybot Dleifrevo]

This only goes one way... //''GAME OVER.''// [[Play again.->Restart]] [[Try from previous choice.->Wait until NICE LADY gets home.]](set: $endings to it + (a: "Cooked and chopped"))

The nest is pretty cosy, but you think that it's only going to be a basic base of operations at this point. (link:"Read on...")[You think forward to the election and judder when you think of the fact that the MAYOR might actually win again. He's got only 7 days to rid himself of the blunder that was the pigeon-gaffe... (link:"Read on...")[...and I can say for sure he's already fired the guy who designed the stage he was standing on, that pigeon had a shot lined up for her when she was sitting on the lighting gantry. (link:"Read on...")[All of a sudden, you feel a sudden sense of purposelessness, and you feel the need to do something about it. All of a sudden this feels like less of a life, and more of a game. You life does, in fact, depend on it. [[Continue.->nest 0.1]]]]]

You use your very impressive PECKO POWER to peck at the lady and escape. [[Go to NICE LADY's bedroom.]]

You contemplate your actions... for a good long while. Eventually, after a very long time, a new BRAIN CELL pops into existence. (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] You wonder how it's doing. [[Continue...->nlgethome]]

That's the spirit, don't think about anything that you've done before, just move on. You try and think of any more dumb hijinks to get up to while the NICE LADY is away, but you think better of it. The room is ruined. [[Wait until the nice lady gets home.->nlgethome]]

You hide in a shoebox (not your own one, though) and wait until the NICE LADY gets home. She seems sad. [[Coo at her to cheer her up.]] [[Remain in box.]]

She really appreciates you. But you can tell by her eyes that she's also sad for depriving you of a normal, outside life. There's something in the way that she plays with you that makes you think that she knows this isn't normal. You're a pigeon, right, and she's a human. It's mutually incompatible. She can't live on the roofs and you can't live inside forever. Discounting the fact that feral pigeons are technically domesticated, it's not right. She takes a long look at you. [[Realise!]]

She's having an awful day, and adding to that, the shower is damp and greasy from FLATMATE's cleaning efforts, and the mess in the hallway is still bad. Why not coo? [[I'm a bad pigeon and I'm not going to do what you tell me.]] [[Fine.->Coo at her to cheer her up.]]

It's not that she wants to keep you indoors, it's just that she thinks that if she lets you out, you won't come back! //Of course you'll come back, goodness me,// you think, //why on earth would I pass up on the free food deal of the decade?// You're not a silly pigeon, so you make that fact known to the NICE LADY via methods of cooing. [[Continue.->nljustify]]

This is the sort of behaviour that gets lesser pigeons killed by cats. I hope you enjoy your shoebox, because now she's looking for you. [[Begin cooing.->Coo at her to cheer her up.]] [[Remain silent.->nlsilent]]

You're not going to get anywhere like this. In fact, you have just now realised that the shoe box is covered in boot polish that has spilled, which has definitely impacted your IRIDESCENCE. (text-colour:red)[-1 IRIDESCENCE](set: $ir to $ir - 1) [[Start cooing.->nljustify]]

You think that cooing is going to work, and you're going to get your point across. The way in which pigeons communicate with those in the know is quite astounding, if you stop and consider it. In fact, if you keep cooing, you're pretty sure you might just achieve some sort of communication breakthrough, or at least convince the NICE LADY that she's finally lost the plot for all time. [[Continue cooing.->nljustify2]]

//There is a special bond between a woman and a pigeon.// (align:"==>")+(box:"X=")[- Jawnfucius] [[...->nlj3]]

//"I am speaking to you now, NICE LADY."// The NICE LADY looks like she just witnessed a murder. (link:"Keep cooing...")[//"Please let me outside, because I will return. But please let me inside, because I will want to go out again."// The NICE LADY continues with the shocked expression. (link:"Keep cooing...")[//"And I want to tell you how lovely you've been for letting me stay today, I feel like I needed to get something out of my system."// NICE LADY is breathing in and out very quickly. (link:"Keep cooing...")[//"But now, I have larger goals and ambitions ahead of me, I have ideals inside the political system, and my sole goal in life is to make sure that the MAYOR does not get re-elected in ten days time."// NICE LADY is attempting to get her phone out but her hands are shaking too much. (link:"Keep cooing...")[//"And so I ask you to let me out, so that I may return."// Wise words from yourself there. The NICE LADY is totally stunned. She drops her phone on the floor and screams, and the FLATMATE (if: $showering = true)[(still greasy, I have no idea what they put in that damn CO-OP oil...)] screams at her to shut up, and get rid of the damn pigeon if it's just going to make her freak out so damn much. [[Continue->nlj4]]]]]]

The NICE LADY opens the window, wordless, while the FLATMATE watches and asks questions about her sanity, etc. etc. You don't immediately go to the window, but it seems like the right thing to do to avoid the ire of FLATMATE too much, who is wielding a flipflop. (link:"...")[FLATMATE says that she better not see that pigeon again or the NICE LADY will have hell to pay. And the NICE LADY is honestly not bothered by that statement because she just got spoken to by a pigeon. She's not really processing stuff right now. (link:"...")[Her phone camera is unfortunately broken, because she's dropped her phone. Which means that if you want to get photographic evidence of anything you're doing, you're going to have to get the money to buy her a new phone, or at least a camera. [[Continue.->nlj5]]]]

FLATMATE retreats, the NICE LADY is now looking at you as she opens the window. There is an advert on a bus stop that says there's ten days remaining until the mayoral election! This means that you will have to do something soon, and by soon I mean //really soon!// You quickly think about all the various things you could do with your newfound freedom. You've got to show the world that you're smart, handsome, and worthy of being their mayor. Because what city wouldn't want that. [[Go out of the window into the city!->Explore the city.]]

There's lots of things to do! [[Explore the city.]] (set: $resetpp to $pp) (set: $resetbc to $bc) (set: $resetir to $ir)

(dialog:"The local area is pretty simple, but the city is not. Since you're a pigeon, you won't need much of a MAP, but a simple memory-grid of areas will suffice. They don't tell you this about pigeons, but they store their memorable locations in a handly table, just like this one:") #[[Jeremy II's mental map!->map]] (set: $d to 1) (set: $loc to (a: "")) (set: $home to "Your parents' nest") (set: $inv to (a:)) (set: $q to (a:)) (set: $c to 0) (set: $h to 0) (set: $fed to true) (set: $vpp to 0) (set: $up to 1) (set: $vppup to 20) (set: $icewharflevel to 5) (set: $stick to false) (set: $stickheld to false) (set: $zizek to false) (set: $st to 0) (set: $photoofyourself to false) (set: $australorp to true) (set: $camera to false) (set: $prettypigeon to false) (set: $evidence to false) (set: $followers to 17) (set: $party to false) (set: $meetingdate to 17) (set: $mayorvotes to 1180000) (set: $homesweethome to false)

#NORTHWEST (text-size: 1)[[^^Back to map^^->map]](set: $h to $h + 0.2) [[Pigeon HQ]]

#WEST (text-size: 1)[[^^Back to map^^->map]](set: $h to $h + 0.2) [[NICE LADY's flat]] [[Your parents' nest]]

#SOUTHWEST (text-size: 1)[[^^Back to map^^->map]](set: $h to $h + 0.2) [[Richmond Park]]

#NORTH (text-size: 1)[[^^Back to map^^->map]](set: $h to $h + 0.2) [[Camden Market]] (if: $h < 5)[[The British Library]](if: $h >= 5)[(text-colour: grey)[The British Library is closed.]] (if: $fed is false)[[St. John's Wood]]

#CENTRAL (text-size: 1)[[^^Back to map^^->map]](set: $h to $h + 0.2) (if: $h < 5)[[The Houses of Parliament]](if: $h >= 5)[(text-colour: grey)[The Houses of Parliament are closed.]] [[Hyde Park]] (if: $h < 5)[ //[[Chess & Bridge]]// games shop](if: $h >= 5)[(text-colour: grey)[The Chess & Bridge shop is closed.]]

#SOUTH (text-size: 1)[[^^Back to map^^->map]](set: $h to $h + 0.2) [[Brixton Market]] [[The Jawn Gym]]

#NORTHEAST (text-size: 1)[[^^Back to map^^->map]](set: $h to $h + 0.2) [[Crouch End TV Shop->tv]].

#EAST (text-size: 1)[[^^Back to map^^->map]](set: $h to $h + 0.2) [[Hackney City Farm]] [[Liverpool Street Station]] [[The Bank Of England]]

#SOUTHEAST (text-size: 1)[[^^Back to map^^->map]](set: $h to $h + 0.2) [[Orpington]] [[City Hall, Newham->City Hall]] [[Pontoon Dock]]

Ah, you could smell it a mile away... an actual farm! (Close enough.) There's a wide variety of characters here, like [[Australorp]] the australorp, [[Lucy]] the demented peahen, [[Philip]] the black goat, and there's also the [[grain store]] which could definitely come in handy. Or head [[back->EAST]].(if:(history: where its name contains "RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES ROOM")'s length >= 1)[ You see some pigeons handing out leaflets to Hackney residents.]

You fly all the way down to Orpington, but nothing stands out about the place, and you feel like you've wasted some valuable pre-election time looking for nothing in this satellite surburb of SE London. (if: $party is true)[The residents of Orpington are delighted that you're not just campagining in inner London, and are more likely to vote for you as a result!(set: $votes to $votes + 18500] [[Back.->SOUTHEAST]](set: $h to $h + 1)

There's a lot of things flying around, crows, starlings — it's not just the people who are in on the fun of buying and selling. The only problem is that you don't have anything to buy or sell. (if: $tenthousand is true)+(if: $party is false)[Don't even think about spending the ten thousand here. You haven't even been given the money yourself.] [[Back->SOUTH]]

If there's a place to go to get more PECKO POWER, it's definitely here. [[Train.]] [[Back.->SOUTH]]

Camden Market looks fun! You're not a jaded human, and you don't quite yet understand the concept of //tackiness//, or //tourist traps//, so you're quite contented with the current situation. Peruse the [[Ice Wharf]]'s outside seating area. Perch on the roof of the [[Dingwall Building]]. (if:$home is not "camdenflat")[See if you can find some [[apartment space->apartment pre]] under one of the bridges.](if:$home is "camdenflat")[Head [[home->camdenflat]] to re-coop-erate.](if:(history: where its name contains "RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES ROOM")'s length >= 1)[ You see some pigeons handing out leaflets to Camden residents.] [[Think of somewhere else to go.->NORTH]]

It's not open for pigeons at this time. Perhaps there might be something that you could do to convince people of the fact that pigeons are intelligent, and wouldn't just poo all over the priceless books. (if:$bc >= 1)[[Use your intelligence intelligently.]](if:$bc < 1)[(text-colour:grey)[LOCKED: 7 BRAIN CELLS required.]] [[Back.->NORTH]]

(if: $d is an even)[You peck at the window to be let in to the flat. No-one is in right now. The NICE LADY works from home every other day, so check back in tomorrow.](if: $d is an odd)[You peck at the window, and the NICE LADY [[lets you in very graciously->nlroom]]. She is very happy to see you.] [[Back.->WEST]]

Ugh, this is embarrasing. Staying with your parents! That's hardly a way to get by in life... However, they do still love you, and are more than willing to help out, even if you're not a squab. But they are definitely gently pushing you to move out, and you think that getting a NEST of your own, even under a bridge or in some crevice, would be much nicer. [[Back.->WEST]] [[Sleep.->sleep]](set: $h to $h + 1)

It's a very big park, with plenty of space to fly around in. [[Fly around.]] [[Find somewhere to live.]] [[Ask some other pigeons what's up.]] [[Find a stick]] [[Back.->SOUTHWEST]]

There's thousands of passengers here... amazing stuff. Beg for food outside the [[fast food places]]. Look in the [[alcoves & tunnels]]. [[Back.->EAST]]

No chance. Not yet, at least. But it's gonna take a hell of a lot. (if:(history: where its name contains "RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES ROOM")'s length >= 1)[You see some pigeons handing out leaflets to MPs.] (if: $party is false)[[Apply to be in the MAYORAL ELECTION.]](if: $party is true)[[Ask if they can make it legal for pigeons to vote]] [[Back.->CENTRAL]]

(text-size: 2.5)[''JEREMY II's MENTAL MAP''] (text-size: 1)[(if: $h is 0)[It's early in the morning.](if: $h is 1)[It's getting towards the afternoon.](if: $h is 2)[It's the afternoon.](if: $h is 3)[It's the evening.](if: $h is 4)[It's getting dark.](if: $h > 4)[It's night time, you should probably [[fly home->sleep]]]] (text-colour:grey)[PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir](if: $party is true)[(set: _voteprop to (round:1000 * $votes / 2640000)/10) • Current polling stats: _voteprop%] (if: $h <= 5)[=(text-size: 2)[ =|= (if: $h < 5)[(align:"=><=")+(text-rotate-z:315)[[NW->NORTHWEST]]] (if: $h < 5)[(align:"=><=")+(text-rotate-z:270)[[W->WEST]]] (if: $h < 5)[(align:"=><=")+(text-rotate-z:45)[[SW->SOUTHWEST]]] =|= (if: $h < 5)[(align:"=><=")[[N->NORTH]]] (if: $h < 5)[(align:"=><=")[[C->CENTRAL]]] (if: $h < 5)[(align:"=><=")[[S->SOUTH]]] =|= (if: $h < 5)[(align:"=><=")+(text-rotate-z:45)[[NE->NORTHEAST]]] (if: $h < 5)[(align:"=><=")+(text-rotate-z:90)[[E->EAST]]] (if: $h < 5)[(align:"=><=")+(text-rotate-z:315)[[SE->SOUTHEAST]]] |==| ](set: _minusd to 11 - $d)(set: _dated to $d + 9) (text-size: 0.7)[//There are _minusd days until the election. It is April [_dated]th.//] (text-size: 0.7)+(text-colour: grey)[(as you may be able to tell, jeremy struggles with directions. if you're unable to click some of these buttons due to how disorganised jeremy's brain is, try resizing your screen)]

(if: $h > 5)[Thousands of pigeons, and a great place to spread your wings.](if: $h <= 5)[Honestly not the greatest place in the world in the evening. You will need to keep your wits about you.] (if: $party is true)[[Do some tricks!]] [[Back.->CENTRAL]] (if:$homesweethome is true)[There's also a [[stick->stickCENTRAL]] to pick up for your nest.]

Australorp seems like a very grand old lady. She's the head of the POULTRY in Hackney City Farm, and has an extremely shiny green & black IRIDESCENT coat, which looks like it's been painted on and glossed over, it's so pretty. She's got cataracted eyes and looks old, but powerful still. (if: $australorp is true)[ [[Ask her how old she is.]] [[Ask her what the secret to her iridescence is.]]] (if: $australorp is false)[It doesn't seem like she wants to talk to you anymore.] (if: $ir > 13)[[Ask her how she is, as a fellow high IRIDESCENCE haver.]] [[Go back.->Hackney City Farm]]

Maybe best to not get too close to her... perhaps it's for the better. (if: $party is true)[[Have a peck-off!]] [[Back.->Hackney City Farm]]

He's big, and he's also very, very, //very// black. The colour of priests' socks. The colour of nothing at all. The colour of a basement-dwelling mole's crustiest pocket. Most of the time he's giving [[strange advice]] in hushed tones. (if:$bc >= 10)[[Philip time!]](if:$bc < 10)[(text-colour:grey)[COME UP WITH AN IDEA TO DO SOMETHING WITH PHILIP: 10 BRAIN CELLS required.]] [[Back.->Hackney City Farm]]

Mmmm... unattended sunflower seeds... You fill up for the day!(set: $fed to true) And getting in to this place is a bit of a challenge, so why not have a brain cell? (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] Back to [[Hackney City Farm]]. (set: $h to $h + 1)

You wander along... there's some nice fellows outside, two very odd looking pigeons called [[Stumpo]] (on account of his stump foot), and [[Gummo->Stumpo]] (due to his wad of gum stuck in his chest feathers). There's also the [[side entrance->lstunnels]]. Or you can simply ignore all of this and head [[back->Liverpool Street Station]]

Stumpo and Gummo look like they've both had hard lives. But they are very sweet and not at all jaded about their harsh treatment by humans. Gummo's little wad of chewing gum gives him -1 IRIDESCENCE but definitely a certain charm you can't put your feathers on. [[Ask them about the reality of being a feral pigeon]] [[Back.->alcoves & tunnels]] (if: $camera is true)[[Film their testimonies]]

You go through the tunnels and notice that there is a homeless man who looks like famous philosopher Slavoj Zizek. In fact, come to think of it, it might actually be famous philosopher Slavoj Zizek! (if: $zizek is false)[[Speak to Zizek]](if: $zizek is true)[You can't handle any more of that rambling today!] [[Back->alcoves & tunnels]]

(nth: visit, "You flap your wings as hard as you can against the nothing, and the nothing refuses to give up.","You peck aimlessly at nothing, and gain a lot from it.","You pretend to slap opponents, and throw in the occasional WING ATTACK. What the difference is, well, I don't know.","You think about fighting, and for some reason, this gives you PECKO POWER rather than BRAIN CELLS. I'm not judging, just jealous.","Jeremy considers his place in the pigeon food chain and realises that they all eat rubbish anyway, so you better learn how to slap people away from the food.") Good training. (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp + 1)(set: $h to $h + 1) (if: $h is 0)[It's early in the morning.](if: $h is 1)[It's getting towards the afternoon.](if: $h is 2)[It's the afternoon.](if: $h is 3)[It's the evening.](if: $h is 4)[It's getting dark.](if: $h > 4)[It's night time.](if: $h > 5)[You've trained almost the whole day, so it seems prudent to (link:"go back home.")[(go-to:$home)]](if: $h <= 5) [[Back.->SOUTH]]

Your stats and all of your things have been reset to exactly how you had them! You get another go at trying to save the world from your MAYORal overlords. It's very convenient, when you consider that the alternative is undoing literally hundreds of turns.... [[Back to the main map, on DAY ONE.->map]] (set: $pp to $resetpp) (set: $bc to $resetbc) (set: $ir to $resetir)

There's lots of stuff to look at here, and a healthy smattering of plates to pinch from. However, you will need at least a certain amount of BRAIN CELLS and PECKO POWER to be able to secure a decent meal here. (if:(history: where its name contains "Steal a meal!")'s length >= 1)[Every time you successfully steal a meal, the clientele become more wary and more defensive, so watch your PECKO POWER and make sure you're not making too many enemies too quickly! Remember, you only need to eat //once a day//!] {(if:$pp >= $icewharflevel)+(if:$bc >= $icewharflevel)[[Steal a meal!]](if:$pp < $icewharflevel)+(if:$bc < $icewharflevel)[(text-colour:grey)[LOCKED: $icewharflevel BRAIN CELLS & $icewharflevel PECKO POWER required.]]} (if: $party is true)[(set: $return to "Ice Wharf")[[Do some tricks for the punters!]]] [[Back.->Camden Market]]

Things looks really excellent from up here. Plenty to see. And lots more interesting pigeons to [[talk to]]. [[Back.->Camden Market]] (if:$homesweethome is true)[There's also a [[stick to collect->stickNORTH]]!]

Hmm... this looks pretty good. But there's [[other pigeons]] that want to get this apartment space. It's in a perfect little nook, and no one will ever disturb you. It seems like the council have also designed these so that pigeon muck won't stay in it forever! [[Back.->Camden Market]]

A very important place, full of V.I.Ps. (if:visits <= 2)[The P does stand for Pigeon, if you were wondering.] There's a sign on the wall showing the main locations in PHQ. [[MAIN HALL]] [[NOTICE BOARD]] [[ROOF]] (if: $d = $compdate)+(if: $h < 3)[[RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES ROOM]](if: $d = $compdate)[Today's the day of the singing competition!] [[Back.->NORTHWEST]](set: $h to $h + 0.2)

[[Back.->Dingwall Building]] Today's lineup: [[Lana]] [[Rosalia]] (if: $d > 2)[[Julian]] (if: $d > 5)[[Geordie]]

Hi! I'm Lana, and I'm a singer. (link-reveal:"Ask about singing.")[ I'm not that good, but it's easy when you have two windpipes and the ability to modulate them very quickly! Mammal singers are very jealous. But so is Rosalia...] You end up having a nice conversation with Lana, and she tells you more about her new song, //Fly// that she's very proud of. //I just fly... I just fly...// — it really speaks to you as a pigeon. [[Back.->talk to]](set: $h to $h + 1) (if: $singingcompetiton is true)[Set up a [[singing competiton]] between Lana and Rosalia.] (if: $d > 4)[We're heading off soon, Rosalia & I, so this would be super useful if you got it done now.]

Hi, I'm Rosalia.(if:(history: where its name contains "Lana")'s length >= 1)[ I think I can sing better than Lana.] (if:(history: where its name contains "Lana")'s length >= 1)[(link-reveal:" Ask why she thinks she's a better singer.")[ It's easy. We should probably just set up a competition to settle it once and for all though.(set: $singingcompetiton to true) Maybe you could help us get it organised?]] (if: $d > 4)[We're heading off soon, Lana & I, so this would be super useful if you got it done now.] [[Back.->talk to]]

//Pigeon business is like a waltz...// He seems very aloof. [[Back.->talk to]]

He's singing to himself in the corner... //Up on his perch, up on his perch Not gonna wake up here in the dirt Listen one time, it's not the truth It's just a jawn that I tell to you// He snaps out of his singing and acknowledges your existence, but only briefly. [[Back.->talk to]]

(if: $h <= 2)[The NICE LADY is working, but is more than willing to make concessions for you, since you're so sweet.](if: $h > 2)+(if: $h < 5)[The NICE LADY is just in, and she's not working.](if: $h >= 5)[The NICE LADY is very tired now, and she thinks you should probably just [[sleep in the shoebox.->shoebox]]] (if: $h < 5)[Pester her to go on the [[tablet]].] (if: $h < 5)[[Mess around]][ in the house.] (if: $h >= 5)[[[Sleep in the shoebox.->shoebox]]] [[Go somewhere else.->WEST]]

(if: $h > 4)[After a long day, you go to bed.](if: $h > 6)[ It's been a very, very long day indeed, and you get a little less sleep as a result.](if: $h <= 2)[You decide to call it quits after not staying up for an awfully long time.](if: $fed is false)[ You go to bed hungry as well, which is not ideal. -1 to all attributes!(set: $ir to $ir - 1)(set: $pp to $pp - 1)(set: $bc to $bc - 1)] (set: $h to 0)(set: $d to $d + 1)(set: $fed to false)(set:$loan to $loan - 1)(set: $zizek to false)(set: $australorp to true) (if: $d < 10)[[Wake up.->map]](if: $d >= 10)[[Wake up.->election day]] (if: $fed is false)[You must remember to eat something proper every day, or you will suffer PECKO penalties!](if: $loan is 1)[You feel yourself paying back the LOAN you took... -4 $loantype (if: $loantype is "BRAIN CELLS")[(set: $bc to $bc - 4)](if: $loantype is "PECKO POWER")[(set: $pp to $pp - 4)](if: $loantype is "IRIDESCENCE")[(set: $ir to $ir - 4)]] (text-colour: grey)[//''CURRENT STATS:''// PECKO POWER: $pp BRAIN CELLS: $bc IRIDESCENCE: $ir] (if: $party is true)[(set: $votes to $votes + 10 * $followers)(set: _voteprop to (round:1000 * $votes / 2640000)/10) •• Current polling stats: _voteprop% ••]

There's a place where a lady appears to leave lentils out, every morning. By the afternoon, they're completely gone. She runs by and drops the lentils like it's a drive-by shooting. She doesn't stop for one second. (if: $h = 0)[There's still plenty left, though how some of them are gone is beyond you, no pigeon ever wakes up that early, since they don't tend to eat worms. (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir](set: $fed to true)](if: $h = 1)[There's scraps left, and not the nice kind either.(set: $fed to true)](if: $h > 1)[There's nothing left. Too late!] [[Back.->NORTH]](set: $h to $h + 1)

There's a whole lot of green out here. But not an awful lot going on. You spot a [[woodpigeon->Ask some other pigeons what's up.]] sitting around. [[Back.->Richmond Park]](set: $h to $h + 1)

It's playing BBC (if: $h is 0)[early morning news.](if: $h is 1)[morning news.](if: $h is 2)[afternoon news.](if: $h is 3)[evening news.](if: $h is 4)[evening news.](if: $h is 5)[nighttime programming.] (text-colour: black)[LONDON MAYORAL ELECTIONS ONLY TEN DAYS AWAY — (if: $h is 0)[ Local pigeon gets up very early to visit TV shop](if: $h is 1)[“The mayor is still angry about pigeons”, says aides and mother.](if: $h is 2)[Flatulence up 20% nationwide, say anti-cow protestors](if: $h is 3)[BREAKING NEWS: Cat pushes priceless Roman pottery off of British Museum’s tallest shelf]] [[Back.->NORTHEAST]](set: $h to $h + 0.2)

You try and get in, in vain — you're very shooable, and you don't own any gold. (if: $c <= 0)[Nor do you have any money whatsoever!] Try the [[Bank Of Pigeon]] instead. Or head [[back->EAST]].

I must say this feels like a real downgrade. You wonder how many organisations that pigeons run that are in the lofts of their human counterparts... very odd... You don't stop to think about how loans for abilities like PECKO POWER work... seems strange... (if: $bc < 7)[Perhaps if you took a big enough loan out, you'd be able to fend off your creditors...] (if: $homesweethome = false)[They're not going to give you any loans if you don't have an address, which is to say for pigeons, a place to stay that's your own.](if: $home = "Your parents' nest")[ Living with your parents doesn't count.](if: $home = "shoebox")[ Living in the NICE LADY's shoebox won't slide here.](if: $homesweethome = false)[ You need a proper address.] [[Back.->The Bank Of England]] (if: $loan > 0)[(text-colour: grey)[Please wait until your current LOAN has expired to take out another loan.]](if: $homesweethome = true)+(if: $loan <= 0)[=[[Take out a loan for crumbs.]] [[Take out a loan for PECKO POWER]] [[Take out a loan for BRAIN CELLS]] [[Take out a loan for IRIDESCENCE]]

There's quite a few trees. However, these are not an ideal location for a feral pigeon such as yourself. //Feral pigeons are largely the descendants of ROCK DOVES, who nest on cliffs, and so pigeons are more suited to urban environments. Urban living for pigeons has its benefits and drawbacks. They enjoy an almost-natural habitat, but they are often forced to stand on windowsills and other ledges with large amounts of acidic excrement that doesn't get washed away easily. Making areas safer for pigeons is not as simple as putting bird spikes down, either, as bird spikes are frequently overused and deployed in areas where pigeons were never going to nest, or they misuse them and the pigeons still get in anyway. The number-one way to make sure that pigeons nest in nice areas is to treat them well, and make sure that there are opportunities for them to live that don't turn their feet into gangrenous stumps.// [[Fly around some more.->Fly around.]] (if:visits <= 1)[That information gives you (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir]]

There's a woodpigeon sitting on a branch.(if:(history: where its name contains "... not yet!")'s length <= 1)[ You think that he doesn't even notice that you left and came back. You have no idea how woodpigeons even live.] [[Ask "Are woodpigeons real pigeons?"]] [[Ask "Is there anywhere to live around here?"]] [[Ask "Are there any good spots for crumbs here?"]] (if: $woodpigeonslap is true)[[Apologise to the woodpigeon for slapping him.->Apologise to the woodpigeon.]] [[Fly somewhere else.->Richmond Park]]

Her tablet is a bit of a mess, organisation-wise. [[Back.->nlroom]] (if: $h < 5)[=(border: "solid")+(corner-radius:8)[= =|= [[Mail]] [[Settings]] [[Photos]] =|= [[Camera]] [[Notes]] [[Calendar]] =|= [[Calculator]] [[Books]] [[Music]] =|= [[Weather]] [[Maps]] [[Games]] =|= [[Texts]] [[Internet]] [[Videos]] |==| (if: $h >= 5)[It's pretty late, don't you think? Time for bed.] (if:(history: where its name contains "I've never played")'s length >= 1)[You think that perhaps you might be able to play chess on her GAMES app...]

You while away the day messing around... The NICE LADY prepares some treats for you! Lovely sunflower seeds... yummy, and plenty of fat to keep you going. [[Back.->nlroom]](set: $h to $h + 1)(set: $fed to true)

Quite boring now, just passive-aggressive reminders from the shoe shop that she works at. (if: $party is true)[ [[Send some emails out]] about $partyname.] [[Back.->tablet]]

You have no idea what any of this means. What the hell is all of this? WiFi? You have the sense that anyone who purchases a device like this has to know an awful lot about its operation, and understands the complexity of Bluetooth signals and the like. [[Back.->tablet]]

A lot of nonsense, but at least there are some really nice photos between the nonsense.(if:(history: where its name contains "Take a picture.")'s length <= 1)[ Including a lovely one of you, that you took yourself.] [[Back.->tablet]]

It's you! The tablet only has a front-facing camera, and you love it. It is, in fact, you. [[Take a picture.]] [[Back.->tablet]]

You peck and write some notes. (force-input-box:"=XX=","some notes doe") [[Back.->tablet]]

(set: _dated to $d + 9)It is April [_dated]th. (if: $h is 0)[It's early in the morning.](if: $h is 1)[It's getting towards the afternoon.](if: $h is 2)[It's the afternoon.](if: $h is 3)[It's the evening.](if: $h is 4)[It's getting dark.](if: $h > 4)[It's night time.] [[Back.->tablet]]

You peck at the calculator buttons for a //long// while... (nth: visit, "You feel yourself learning more about exponents and whatnot...","You feel yourself really getting into maths in general...","You feel your BRAIN CELLS responding to the pecks...","You wonder exactly why it is that 2 + 2 = 4...") (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1)(set: $h to $h + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Back.->tablet]]

There are a few books to choose from: <a href="https://unication.neocities.org/ducc%20story%20-%20final%20copy.pdf">DUCC — Alex J. Taylor</a> (if:visits <= 1)[You gain an extra BRAIN CELL for this literary endeavour. (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir]] [[Back.->tablet]]

NOW PLAYING: (cycling-link: "Sycamore Trees by Jimmy Scott","Monkberry Moon Delight by Screamin' Jay Hawkins","Lost Highway by Jeff Buckley","Cannock Chase by Labi Siffre","Ride by Lana Del Rey","Livin' La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin","Angel by Massive Attack","Why Don't you Try by Leonard Cohen") [[Back.->tablet]]

#Rubbish. [[Back.->tablet]]

There's a much more detailed map of LONDON than your mental one, but honestly, it doesn't make much sense to you. The map is made for humans, not pigeons. It focuses too much on roads, and there's a tangle of silly lines going all over the place, ignoring the roads. It makes absolutely no sense! What do these lines that don't even connect to roads mean? [[Back.->tablet]]

[[Peck To Impress]] [[Pigeon Clicker]] [[Pigeon101]] [[Coo-mmand & Conquer II]] [[Pigeon Chess]] [[Back.->tablet]] (set: _minusd to 8 - $d) (if: $h > 5)+(if: $vpp >= 10000)[You've wasted a whole day playing PIGEON CLICKER. There's only _minusd until the election, you know!(set: $h to 7)(set: $pp to $pp + 1)]

Yawn. You're having a hard time communicating with other pigeons, let alone humans through text! She does have a few very dumb-looking group chat names saved though... might be worth having a quick peruse... [[Back.->tablet]]

(set: _followers to $followers * $d)(if:visits > 2)[FOLLOWER COUNT: _followers](if:visits <= 2)[Now this is the interesting bit! You go onto the INTERNET and notice that the NICE LADY's feed is already full of clips of pigeons. (link:"Look at the videos...")[You scroll through the videos with the assistance of the NICE LADY. She doesn't seem to mind doing the bulk of navigating for you. (link:"Look some more...")[But there is a pro-pigeon demographic that exists; certainly after the MAYOR's speech there will be an anti-pigeon demographic. You think that your job is to find these people and change their minds.]]] [[Check comments section on video of pigeons.]] (if:(history: where its name contains "Film their testimonies")'s length >= 1)[[Post a video of Stumpo and Gummo]] (if: $photoofyourself is true)[[Post a picture of yourself!]] (if: $party is true)[[Post about your new political party]] (if: $hawktape is true)[[Post the tape of you beating the hawk]] [[Back.->tablet]]

These are admittedly some rough looking pigeons. You think it might be best to stay out of this one. (if:$pp >= 11)[[Fight the pigeons.]](if:$bc < 11)[(text-colour:grey)[FIGHT THE PIGEONS: 11 PECKO POWER required.]] [[Back.->apartment pre]]

You'll just have to beg for crumbs. The BANK OF PIGEON is not currently accepting loan applications for mere crumbs. [[Back.->Bank Of Pigeon]]

You feel yourself getting stronger, and you feel like you've just perhaps bitten off more than you can chew... (text-colour:green)[+3 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp + 3)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] The fine print reads: =|= (text-size: 0.2)[The BANK OF PIGEON provides a consequence-free loan of 3 PECKO POWER to the debtor under the pretence that in 3 days, this PECKO POWER will be paid back with the ACCUMULATED INTEREST of 1 EXTRA PECKO POWER, hence the debtor will pay back 4 PECKO POWER TOTAL to the BANK OF PIGEON in accordance with the above statement. Lorem ipsum dolor jawn amet, and so on and so forth... I can't believe you're actually going to read all of this so basically I'd like to say that you're really wonderful, and you look great, and making this financial decision is the best decision you're going to make in your whole entire life. There's definitely nothing to worry about with this if you somehow fail to pay it back...] =|= =|= =|= |==| Good lord, that's some fine print.(set: $loan to 5)(set: $loantype to "PECKO POWER") [[Back.->Bank Of Pigeon]]

You feel yourself getting smarter, but also dumber, because you have just taken out a loan without reading the fine print. (text-colour:green)[+3 BRAIN CELLS](set: $bc to $bc + 3)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] The fine print reads: =|= (text-size: 0.2)[The BANK OF PIGEON provides a consequence-free loan of 3 BRAIN CELLS to the debtor under the pretence that in 3 days, these BRAIN CELLS will be paid back with the ACCUMULATED INTEREST of 1 EXTRA BRAIN CELL, hence the debtor will pay back 4 BRAIN CELLS TOTAL to the BANK OF PIGEON in accordance with the above statement. Lorem ipsum dolor jawn amet, and so on and so forth... I can't believe you're actually going to read all of this so basically I'd like to say that you're really wonderful, and you look great, and making this financial decision is the best decision you're going to make in your whole entire life. There's definitely nothing to worry about with this if you somehow fail to pay it back...] =|= =|= =|= |==| Good lord, that's some fine print.(set: $loan to 5)(set: $loantype to "BRAIN CELLS") [[Back.->Bank Of Pigeon]]

You feel yourself getting prettier and more iridescent, and you don't necessarily think about the negative consequences of taking out loans because why would you? Just LOOK AT YOU! (text-colour:green)[+3 IRIDESCENCE](set: $ir to $ir + 3)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] The fine print reads: =|= (text-size: 0.2)[The BANK OF PIGEON provides a consequence-free loan of 3 IRIDESCENCE to the debtor under the pretence that in 3 days, this IRIDESCENCE will be paid back with the ACCUMULATED INTEREST of 1 EXTRA IRIDESCENCE, hence the debtor will pay back 4 IRIDESCENCE TOTAL to the BANK OF PIGEON in accordance with the above statement. Lorem ipsum dolor jawn amet, and so on and so forth... I can't believe you're actually going to read all of this so basically I'd like to say that you're really wonderful, and you look great, and making this financial decision is the best decision you're going to make in your whole entire life. There's definitely nothing to worry about with this if you somehow fail to pay it back...] =|= =|= =|= |==| Good lord, that's some fine print.(set: $loan to 5)(set: $loantype to "IRIDESCENCE") [[Back.->Bank Of Pigeon]]

You take a picture! It's not a bad picture, in fact, you see yourself being able to tweak this to make it instagram-ready! Or you'll use it for your campaign photos to really stand out amongst the crowd.(set: $photoofyourself to true) [[Back.->Camera]]

You attack the pigeons! You do a lot of damage and are generally very impressive. 11 PECKO POWER is some decent POWER... The flat is all yours! THey have learned to kiss the ring (even though you don't have a ring, because the NICE LADY never put one on you...) [[Enjoy your new flat.->camdenflat]]

This is the life. Mmm... you can feel yourself really making something of this place. You have now unlocked the ability to collect STICKS to improve your nest. [[Back.->Camden Market]](set: $home to "camdenflat")(set: $stick to true)(set: $homesweethome to true) (if: $stickheld is true)[Now this is the upgrade you've been looking for! (text-colour: orange)[+1 STICK!] You spend a while getting it just right, as pigeons are wont to do.(set: $h to $h + 1)(set: $st to $st + 1)] (if: $camera is true)[You take a picture of your place. It looks lovely (to you...)(set: $nestpic to true)]

Some nice videos of her and her friends. They seem like a good bunch. (if:(history: where its name contains "Approach the YOUNG MEN.")'s length >= 1)[In fact, you recognise a few of them from that time in Richmond Park with the woodpigeon! Nice...] [[Back.->tablet]]

There's a smattering of places serving FAST FOOD that will easily fill you up for the day, requiring no PECKO POWER whatsoever. The only problem is that some of this stuff is really inedible (and/or contains pigeon), so you'll have to choose wisely. (if: $fed is true)[You're full anyway...] [[Back.->Liverpool Street Station]] (if: $fed is false)[=[[McJawnalds->food]] • [[KFP->food]] • [[Pret a Jawnger->food]] • [[Greggs->food]]

It's quite a small shoebox, and definitely not one that anyone will be impressed by. Plus, it smells of poop because you poop in it, and as much as the NICE LADY is nice, she only replaces the shoebox once every so often. You're not the needy squab she once cared for... [[Sleep.->sleep]] [[Back.->nlroom]]

(bg: #ff0090)+(text-style:"smear","sway")[Your pecks are only somewhat impressive doe... cooptropica is calling... Come back when you have more IRIDESCENCE... [[Back.->Games]]]

You wish you could build up your real-life pecko power by playing such a silly game... (text-size: 1.5)[(link-rerun:"PECKO!")[(colour: green)+(t8n: "pulse")[ +$up VIRTUAL PECKO POINTS!!](set: $vpp to $vpp + $up)]] (live: 1s)[(text-size: 1.5)[//TOTAL PECKO POINTS:// (transition-time: 1s)+(t8n: "pulse")[$vpp] points doe]] (live: 0.9s)[(if: $vpp > $vppup)[(link:"Upgrade the pecko power doe")[(set: $vpp to $vpp - $vppup)(set: $vppup to (round:$vppup * 1.5))(set: $up to $up + 1)]]] [[Back.->Games]] (live: 5s)[(if: $vpp > 100)[Achievement unlocked: 100 VIRTUAL PECKO POINTS ACHIEVED! Wow! Kinda virtual pecko pointing dat.](if: $vpp > 1000)[Achievement unlocked: 1000 VIRTUAL PECKO POINTS ACHIEVED! This is the second-highest achievement in PIGEON CLICKER doe... you should go for the last one...](if: $vpp > 10000)[Achievement unlocked: 10000 VIRTUAL PECKO POINTS ACHIEVED! DIS IS THE MOST HIGHEST ACHIEVEMENT IN PIGEON CLICKER (kinda unbelievable that you'd go this far doe)(set: $h to 6)]]

You play Pigeon101, a pigeon-related game (like all of them) where you choose a class of pigeon based on elemental powers. (link:"Read on...")[The NICE LADY has an account as the Ice Pigeon. There's also the Rock Dove, the Danish Copper, the Pemba Green — hell, there's so many types it's hard to keep track of. (link:"Read on...")[You spend a while playing Pigeon101 but think that perhaps this is not the best use of your time before the ELECTION. (link:"Read on...")[After you have been playing for some time, the NICE LADY closes the app, but the app sends her a notification that says that her membership is nearly due, and she's paying //£50 a month// for this game that even you, as a pigeon, understand has pretty bad graphics. Wow. [[Close game.->Games]]]]] (set: $h to $h + 1)

This is a stone cold pigeon classic. You could have sworn you already basically know how to play the game, that's how into it your parents were. There's lots of strategy, and there's plenty of documentation about the rules. Unfortunately, the rules are the only thing that you can actually get to load, because her tablet is so shoddy that it won't run the damn game. And you could have sworn it came out in the 90s! [[Read the Rules]] [[Back.->Games]]

There are lots of comments: [[Read more comments->Check comments section on video of pigeons.]] (text-size: 1.3)[(nth: visit, "MaddyFlopper", "E.J.L.Sunderz","Marion Tough","XnairtunX","Digs a feeld","littlemanmonty","dontQuarrel-voteWarrel","gowerpower69","DashieBaby","'Based' Taylor")] //says// (nth: visit, "pigeons R so cute why would anyone hurt these things","Rats with wings (puke emoji)","Can't beliueve that they are allowed to run around without paying taxes","Love the iridescent ones but theyreall so grimy!!!!! Ew","This post really messed with me as a pigeonphobe going through exposure therapy","Does this have anything to do with benjamin netanyahu","God damn pigeons coming here and eating are red squirrils. Voted them out!!","Can't belueve they are so unbealieable. Like if yu agree","Commenting is so dumb if you're not gonna put the effort in to work at their rehoming centres...","Go back to central asia where you came from. #NotMyPigeons") (if:visits >= 5)[[Write your own comment in return]] [[Back.->Internet]]

Some might say it's like playing chess with a pigeon, but honestly, you might be able to put up a fair fight here. This is PIGEON CHESS, a variant of chess on a 3x3 board with three pieces called "pigeons" on each side. Pigeons can move 1 space orthogonally or diagonally, including on top of other pigeons. If you are on top of another pigeon, you control that whole stack of pigeons. A stack can only be up to two pigeons. =|= (box:"X")+(bg: #ecdab9)[OPPONENT] (box:"X")+(bg: #ae8a69)[ ] (box:"X")+(bg: #ecdab9)[YOU] =|= (box:"X")+(bg: #ae8a69)[OPPONENT] (box:"X")+(bg: #ecdab9)[ ] (box:"X")+(bg: #ae8a69)[YOU] =|= (box:"X")+(bg: #ecdab9)[OPPONENT] (box:"X")+(bg: #ae8a69)[ ] (box:"X")+(bg: #ecdab9)[YOU] =|= =|= |==| [[Play Pigeon Chess]] [[Back.->Games]]

=|= (box:"X")+(bg: #ecdab9)[OPPONENT] (box:"X")+(bg: #ae8a69)[ ] (box:"X")+(bg: #ecdab9)[YOU] =|= (box:"X")+(bg: #ae8a69)[OPPONENT] (box:"X")+(bg: #ecdab9)[ ] (box:"X")+(bg: #ae8a69)[YOU] =|= (box:"X")+(bg: #ecdab9)[OPPONENT] (box:"X")+(bg: #ae8a69)[ ] (box:"X")+(bg: #ecdab9)[YOU] =|= =|= |==| I'm going to be so honest, I did not have the time to make pigeon chess actually work in the original version of this, and it's almost funnier if it doesn't work, so whatever. [[Back.->Pigeon Chess]]

[[Back.->Coo-mmand & Conquer II]]

The woodpigeon looks at you like he doesn't even know what a 'pigeon' is. You think that he genuinely does not know. Side note — it is a well-known fact that woodpigeons are the second dumbest creatures alive — second to only //jellyfish//. The sole reason they have survived on this planet fr so long is because they are good at one thing and one thing alone, eating. They have the survival instincts of a pomeranian, despite technically never having been domesticated. [[Back.->Ask some other pigeons what's up.]]

The woodpigeon just gestures towards the trees. This isn't going to be a very productive conversation, you think, considering that trees are very much not ideal nests for pigeons. [[Back.->Ask some other pigeons what's up.]]

//"Oooh!"// The woodpigeon perks up. //"There's loads. I can give you a better idea of where to look for food. Also, I can give you some tips on how to get even more food from humans by interacting with them. Follow me."// [[Follow the woodpigeon.]] [[Back.->Ask some other pigeons what's up.]]

He flies down to the ground and begins bumbling around in that woodpigeon way. //"Ok, so we just have to wait. There'll be some old people along shortly."// [[Wait...]]

Five minutes pass and nothing really happens. [[Bail.->Richmond Park]] [[Keep waiting...]]

(link:"You wait for another long while...")[Eventually, someone comes up to you. It's not an old person, it's two YOUNG MEN with a bag of sunflower seeds. //Typical student hippies and their nuts and soups//, you think. [[Approach the YOUNG MEN.]]]

(if:visits is 0)[They appear infatuated with the woodpigeon's slight limp and his lollopy nature, and begin to feed him seeds — sunflower seeds, at that. Sunflower seeds are more of a winter seed, since they're so fatty, but //this// fatty doesn't seem to care too much.](if:visits > 0)[They return to what they were doing, and as if nothing happened, the woodpigeon cosies right up to the YOUNG MAN's hand.] The woodpigeon is absolutely chowing down on the seeds. [[Pick up the scraps.]] [[Watch from a safe distance.]]

You pick up the seeds that the woodpigeon is absent-mindedly spilling. They are nice, sure, but by the way he's eating them you'd think they were the tastiest thing in the whole world. [[Keep watching...]]

The woodpigeon leans in further to grab the seeds and one of the YOUNG MEN appears to be putting his hand into the woodpigeon's neck, and gently rubbing up and down? What's going on? This seems strange behaviour for a human. [[Keep watching...]]

This is the best, he's going for it like crazy. You can't help but notice that the YOUNG MAN's hand is now basically entirely around the woodpigeon's beak and neck. This has to be it for the woodpigeon. Liftoff power... [[Activate!]] [[... not yet!]]

You LIFTOFF, causing the woodpigeon to also LIFTOFF, but he does it a lot slower than you because of his girthy frame. //Woodpigeons really do make flying look like a chore,// you think to yourself. You're both back on the tree branch, but the YOUNG MEN are still there. [[Fly down.]]

You wait for a bit longer, and the young man GRABS the woodpigeon's beak! The woodpigeon tumbles and turns around and tries to get out, but he's just left there, wiggling his beak, and the young men are laughing at his misfortune. [[How horrible!]]

The YOUNG MEN let go of his beak and he takes a second to steady himself before... continuing to peck at the seeds? This guy must be joking. [[SLAP the woodpigeon for his stupidity.]] [[Attempt to get in on the action.]]

You approach the YOUNG MEN again, and they seem very happy that you've come back, and still have most of the bag of seeds left. [[Fly down.->Approach the YOUNG MEN.]] [[Head back.->Richmond Park]]

You steal (nth: $d, "a wonderful full english brekky","a sweet child's cola and a good deal of his cookie dough ice cream","some moronic tourist's yorkshire burrito","the last piece of sausage from a big fat gammon","some pizza from some dumb punks"). [[Back.->Ice Wharf]] (text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] (set: $icewharflevel to $icewharflevel + 2)(set: $h to $h + 1)

(set: _dated to $d + 9)(set: _dateplus to $d + 10)You go over to the Pigeon HQ and tell them that you want to set up a singing competition. The pigeons in charge say that you've got an afternoon with the REC ROOM booked for tomorrow, but you have to come in the AFTERNOON otherwise you won't all be allowed in. Today is the [_dated]th of April, so then the [_dateplus]th will be the competition. [[Back.->talk to]] (set: $scomp to true)(set: $compdate to $d + 1)(set: $h to $h + 1)

You SLAP the woodpigeon, and he doesn't really slap back. He's clearly too interested in food, fat little pigeon... [[Go back.->Richmond Park]](set: $woodpigeonslap to true)

Oh yeah. The woodpigeon //was// right, these people are kind. And they're giving his //scratches// as well, and they were just playing with him when they grabbed onto his beak, although that might have been lost on his little woodpigeon mind... What a lovely sight. You've had a good time with the NICE LADY, but not too many other humans, so this is a nice change of pace.(set: $fed to true) [[Say goodbye to the YOUNG MEN.]]

You coo and flap your wings, although this particular set of movements make the YOUNG MEN think that maybe there is something wrong with you. (if:(history: where its name contains "Attempt to get inside")'s length >= 1)[You suggest that the woodpigeon [[comes with you->cityhallwoodpigeon]] to try and set off the door at City Hall, due to his, uh, 'impressive' size.] [[Go elsewhere.->Richmond Park]]

The main hall is (if: $h is 0)[quite empty, no one has really gotten up yet. Pigeons are not notoriously early risers.] (if: $h is 1)[filling up for pigeons having breakfast.] (if: $h is 2)[nice and busy, people waiting to use all of the rooms, a real community aspect fills the hall.] (if: $h is 3)[loud and bustling, there are occasional liftoffs which mean that the room is turned into a dustpile every so often, but it's all part of the fun.] (if: $h is 4)[winding down from the afternoon's festivities.] (if: $h is 5)[reasonably empty, there are a few leftover jawns eating crumbs and playing the PIGEON card game, which is a real hit compared to human card games.] (if: $scomp is true)[You can hear excited murmurs of some pigeons talking about the singing competition.] [[Back.->Pigeon HQ]]

//City Hall, Newham.// It's a very impressive building, but it's quite far out from the centre of London. You wonder if you can fly over and see the MAYOR'S OFFICE or something... [[Attempt to get inside]] [[Go on the roof]] [[Back->SOUTHEAST]]

The doors aren't responding to your pigeonastic stature. You are too small for the doors to notice. You might need to bring along someone who's a bit bigger than you... [[Back->City Hall]]

There's a lot of glass up here...(if: $h > 2)[The mayor's gone home, it's too late in the day.](if: $h <= 2)[The mayor is in! And you can see his lovely desk under the glass.] (if: $hawkbeaten is false)[(if: $h <= 2)[[Poop on the glass]]](if: $hawkbeaten is true)[[Poop on the glass, now that there's no hawk to pester you!]] [[Back.->City Hall]]

You ask the NICE LADY to let you comment, and she does so. (force-input-box:2bind $comment,"=XX=","Pigeons are very misunderstood creatures, and it's only because we consider them to be feral that they *end up being* feral.") (live: 0.5s)[(if: $comment is "Pigeons are very misunderstood creatures, and it's only because we consider them to be feral that they *end up being* feral.")[[Submit comment.]]]

There are immediately a flurry of likes and angry commentors saying that you shouldn't be saying this — //my son died of a disease he caught from a pigeon, my miniature daschund is missing because a pigeon carried him off//, etc. etc. You think that harnessing this outrage and influence will be helpful in getting your platform noticed. [[Back.->Internet]](if:visits <= 1)[(set: $followers to $followers * 2)]

You collect the STICK. Of note is that you can only collect one stick at a time, so don't get greedy and try and do them all in one go! [[Back.->Dingwall Building]] (set: $h to $h + 1)(set: $stickheld to true)

Excellent. Stick acquired. You can only carry one at once, but there's an near-infinite supply.(set: $stickheld to true)(set: $h to $h + 1) [[Back.->Hyde Park]]

As you expected, the reality of the lives of pigeons, especially those in busy stations, is pretty bad. You think that this information would really do a lot to improve the plight of the average feral pigeon in London, but you don't have any way of recording it! You think of either trying to STEAL a camera from a market, or perhaps from an unsuspecting tourist, but that would probably worsen the overall perception of pigeons in the city. No, you're going to have to buy one. Furthermore, you're going to have to carry it here, since both Gummo and Stumpo can't fly very well... [[Endeavour to get a camera->Stumpo]]

You film their testimonies and it comes out wonderfully. Unfortunately most people are going to need captions to understand what they're saying, but it should be obvious from just the tone of the video. You wonder if you can find some CCTV footage of the man that kicked Stumpo, like he just said... You capture the footage on the CAMERA. [[Back.->alcoves & tunnels]]

(text-size: 0.5)[(nth: visit, "Kinder surprise egg, a quite astonishing commodity. The surprise of this excessive object, the cause of your desire, is here materialised in the Geist of an object which fills in the inner void of the chocolate egg. The whole delicate balance is between these two dimensions: what you bought, the chocolate egg, and the surplus, probably made in some Chinese gulag or whatever, that you get for free. I don't think that the chocolate frame is here just to send you on a deeper voyage towards the inner treasure, the what Plato calls the 'Agalma', which makes you a worthy person, which makes a commodity the desirable commodity. I think it's the other way around. We should aim at the higher goal, the gold in the middle of an object, precisely in order to be able to enjoy the surface.")] You feel like that's definitely enough philosophising for the day, but you feel yourself gain a hell of a lot from it... (text-colour:green)[+2 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp + 1)(set: $zizek to true) However his incessant spittle has begun to take a toll on your IRIDESCENCE... (text-colour:red)[-1 IRIDESCENCE](set: $ir to $ir - 1) (text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] (if: $party is true)[[Ask Zizek to endorse you]] [[Back.->alcoves & tunnels]]

This is so awesome... hahaha... You poop on the glass and enjoy the fruits of your labour. But then, something glints in the corner of your very wide vision... (link:"...")[A HAWK! They have been siccing hawks on any pigeon foolish enough to get even close to the City Hall. It's a miracle they didn't get you way before you got on the roof! (link:"...")[The hawk flies towards you at breakneck speed, and unfortunately doesn't break his neck in the process. (link:"...")[You're going to need a lot (I repeat: a LOT!) of PECKO POWER if you're ever going to defeat this guy. (link:"...")[We're talking 20 whole PECKO POWER... so it's sort of not even worth it... (if: $pp >= 20)[[You've got the PECKO POWER... now FEND OFF THAT HAWK!->Hawk2ah]](if: $pp < 20)[[Regret your lack of gains and hope for the best->hawkgetsya]]]]]]

Unreal. A pigeon beating a hawk! Who could have thought it? But it's thanks to your supreme PECKO POWER, that's what... This could be national news, if only there was someone to record it. The hawk is beaten and lying on the roof, and concedes the battle. Wow. There's no one around to even see your triumph against hawk-kind, so you're gonna have to take a souvenir. Perhaps a very elaborate FEATHER from its neck.(if: $camera is true)[ You take a picture of the beaten hawk, for posterity.] [[Take feather.]](set: $hawkbeaten to true)

Augh! The hawk gets you, and... drops you off a mile away, downriver, in some menial hellhole called PONTOON DOCK. Such is the fate of pigeons. In the fight you have definitely lost some PECKO POWER, and some IRIDESCENCE due to ruffled feathers. (text-colour:red)[-2 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp - 2) (text-colour:red)[-2 IRIDESCENCE](set: $ir to $ir - 2) (text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Back.->SOUTHEAST]]

You post a video of the two sad-looking pigeons, and it comes across wonderfully. It's not like they're totally down-and-out, it's just that we are neglecting them right now, and the city could be a vertiable Best In Show if we just treated pigeons with the respect they deserve... The comments are wildly positive, and contain (very impressively) people actually having their minds changed — "I don't think they're rats with wings any more" says //LesleyWalls58//. This has really raised the profile of pigeons massively.(if:visits <= 1)[(set: $followers to $followers * 2)] [[Back->Internet]]

(if: $ir < 7)[It's very cute. The picture gets basically no likes though. :( (text-colour: grey)[(this may be due to your low IRIDESCENCE)]](if: $ir > 6)+(if: $ir < 12)[It gets a middling amount of likes, you need to work on your IRIDESCENCE more](if: $ir >= 12)[It gets lots and lots of likes, your IRIDESCENCE is seriously sleek!(set: $prettypigeon to true)](set: $followers to $followers + (7 * $ir))(set: $h to $h + 0.4) [[Back->Internet]]

//How rude!// You don't just ask a lady that. You may very well have to come back again tomorrow to ask... Next time, just //think// about what you are going to say before you say it! [[Back to the farm->Hackney City Farm]]

She won't tell a lowly squab like you any of her secrets. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Because not everyone does it, it's not, and she has applied a reverse logic to that to imply that it's actually very difficult to do what she does with her feather coat, and therefore, it'd be arduous to tell you, such a lowly little squab. [[Ask very nicely.]] [[Ask what's so ugly about yourself!]] [[Tell her she's being mean.]]

She doesn't respond to flattery, and evidently doesn't wish to continue this conversation further. She gets Lucy (the demented peahen) to come over and kindly escort you out of her way. [[Back.->Hackney City Farm]] (set: $australorp to false)

Self-deprecation will get you nowhere with this lady. That being said, she does immediately look at your neck, which I must say could do with polishing. [[Rub your neck on Australorp's feathers to try and get some of the shine off.]] [[Ask for a one-sentence answer about how she looks so good.]]

Well. This simply will not do! //Banned! Banned forever from the farm!// She yells and screams, but you will be able to return here, she just won't talk to you; she has vowed to never speak to you again. However, her memory is so poor that she will probably forget who you are tomorrow morning. So there's that to look forward to. [[Back.->Hackney City Farm]]

This seems like an utterly preposterous idea until you actually do it. Australorp's hearing is just about the only sense she has left, her eyes are all cataracted over! (link:"Keep going...")[And... as you find out... her feathers are so long and overgrown that she really isn't very big on the inside. You can put your whole head fully into her feathers and you barely even touch her wings! She can't feel it, evidently. (link:"Keep going...")[She swings, presumably wondering where you've gone — she feels something wrong, and moves back, pulling you out from under the feathers. And she looks at you through cataracted eyes (link-reveal:"and says...")[ "You look beautiful!" You are stunned. Surely, this aggravatable diva can't just let anyone plunge their neck feathers into her shiny coat and get away with it? It seems like she genuinely has no idea what you did. [[Continue.->australorp1]]]]]

"Stop asking." It's one sentence, and it's a command, so... perhaps it's a real answer? [[Ask "Is that a real answer?"->Tell her she's being mean.]] [[Say nothing.->Saynothing!]]

You both attempt to peck as many times as you can in 20 seconds... (set:$lucypeck to 0)(set: $h to $h + 0.5) [[Begin.->peckcontest]]

It's Philip time! You really don't have much of a clue where to go with this, since you're basically just a pigeon on the back of a goat. (link:"Keep going...")[But then Philip rides east with great haste, making his way down the canal towpath, all the way around... (link:"Keep going...")[Past the Last Tuesday... (link:"Keep going...")[Past Hackney Wick and all of the insufferable hipsters drinking great beer... (link:"Keep going...")[And then darts south, past Bow and the Abba Voyage (//gimme gimme gimme a break//, you think!) towards a largely uninhabited area of London, how could anyone possibly live here, you think, Canning Town? (link:"Keep going...")[But Philip weaves deftly through cross-traffic on the A13 and the Silvertown Tunnel roundabout to make it to CITY HALL, where he very gracefully pulls up to the front doors, which slide open, having detected his frame. (link:"Keep going...")["Thank you," you say, but you don't think that Philip really knows what he's doing here, either. [[Enter City Hall]]. ]]]]]]

(live: 5s)[(if: $peckcounter < 1)[(link-rerun:"PECK!")[(set: $lucypeck to $lucypeck + 1)]]] [[Back.->Hackney City Farm]]

Well, that whole conversation was a bit of a disaster. But at least, even by approaching her, you managed to gain some insight into IRIDESCENCE. (text-colour:green)[+2 IRIDESCENCE](set: $ir to $ir + 2)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Back.->Hackney City Farm]]

An easy (text-colour:green)[+3 IRIDESCENCE]. Wow. So pretty. (set: $ir to $ir + 3)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Back.->Hackney City Farm]]

(if: $woodpigeonslap is true)[The woodpigeon reconsiders, since he now remembers that you SLAPPED him for his perceived stupidity. [[Back.->SOUTHWEST]]](if: $woodpigeonslap is false)[You fly east, and, despite his girth, the woodpigeon isn't [[a bad flier...->chwp2]]]

You apologise profusely, and, the woodpigeon, being so kind, decides to forgive you.(set: $woodpigeonslap to false) [[Back.->Ask some other pigeons what's up.]]

You try and get inside with the woodpigeon. It works! You open the door with his sizeable frame finally being picked up by the motion detectors, and you strut inside. However, the woodpigeon leaves you at the door, since he is very scared. [[Enter City Hall]].

She thinks you'd be ready to win a beauty contest, if that was a thing. But you might be able to win PIGEON'S GOT TALENT.

(if: $scomp is false)[There's not really a lot going on right now.](if: $scomp is true)[There is a notice saying that the PIGEONS GOT TALENT competition is happening soon, and attendees are welcome to submit an entry by visiting the REC ROOM at any time.] (set: _date9 to $compdate + 9) (if: $scomp is false)[Perhaps you can try and set up a singing competition with the pigeons from the DINGWALL BUILDING...](if: $scomp is true)[It will be taking place on the [_date9]th of April.] [[Back.->Pigeon HQ]]

There's TWO PIGEONS out here smoking on the roof. How a pigeon can smoke is beyond your current comprehension of avian anatomy. You subtly think that this would make a cool tattoo. One of them has a small knife. (if: $meetingdate = 17)+(if: $evidence is true)[You [[recognise these pigeons]] from the EVIDENCE you found in City Hall...](if: $meetingdate = $d)+(if: $h < 2)[[Get the recon info from the TWO PIGEONS.]](if: $meetingdate = $d)+(if: $h >= 2)[(text-colour: grey)[Too late. The TWO PIGEONS have already been and gone.]] [[Back.->Pigeon HQ]]

You convince the people at the front desks that you can be trusted with a LIBRARY CARD, and priceless books & artefacts, and you won't just destroy them. [[Peruse the titles.]] [[Read a book.]] [[Browse historic pigeon-related artefacts.]] [[Back->The British Library]]

You look at the book's spine. (cycling-link: "Infinite Jawns","The Bell Jawn","Forest Of The Jawns","If Pigeons Disappeared From The World","The White Jawn","I'm Glad My Jawn Died","My Year Of Pecks And Colombidaetion","Jawnosophy 101","Medita-jawns by Marcus Aweelius","Hackney City Farm by (George Orwell's Lesser Known Brother)","Drinking: A Guide by Alex Taylor","Ducc by Alex Taylor","La Vita Eterna by Alex Taylor","(...) by Alex Taylor","You get the feeling they have a lot of this Alex Taylor guy...","Pigeon Simulator by Alex Taylor","Meta-Writing For Dummies","Meta-Meta-Writing For Meta-Dummies","What To Do When It All Gets Too Meta","") [[Back.->The British Library]]

You sit down and decide to finish something meaty, cover-to-cover. #(this is a good time to briefly stop playing Pigeon Simulator in order to move around, stretch your legs, get a snack, do something other than stare at the computer!)(set: $h to $h + 1) (text-colour:green)[+2 BRAIN CELLS](set: $bc to $bc + 2)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Back to reality...->The British Library]]

A very big place. There are guards about, and they can definitely see you, but will have trouble extricating you from the building if you fly above arms length, so that's reassuring. [[UPSTAIRS]] [[BASEMENT]] [[Exit.->City Hall]] (text-colour: grey)[(You won't be able to get back in!)]

The MAYOR's office. Perhaps you can find something in here, it's open for some convenient reason.... Go into the [[office]]. [[Back.->Enter City Hall]]

There's some files down here, it seems like not a lot of people really come down here. A security guard has followed you down here, assuming your worst ambition is to poop on some valuable treasury slips... =|= [[Row 1, Cabinet 1]] [[Row 1, Cabinet 2]] [[Row 1, Cabinet 3]] =|= [[Row 2, Cabinet 1]] [[Row 2, Cabinet 2]] [[Row 2, Cabinet 3]] |==| [[Back.->Enter City Hall]]

They laugh. //It's too late to join.// But since they think this will be so funny and generate them an extra £10,000, they let you by. There are a few steps to signing up, though: (text-size: 1.5)[ 1. [[Proof of permanent address]] 2. [[Being 18 or over]] 3. [[£10,000 deposit]](text-size:1)[ (returned upon getting 5% of the vote)]] (if: $ec1 is true)+(if: $ec2 is true)+(if: $ec3 is true)[(text-size: 1.5)[You've completed all three requirements, now [[put your name down to be mayor]]!]] [[Back.->The Houses of Parliament]]

Philip says: (text-style:"blurrier","buoy")+(text-size: 1.6)[(nth: $d, "Make sure you know what chess is... tell MARCUS about the EVIDENCE","Always get a camera...","Stick your head in...","Film their testimonies...","The competition is more important than the result...","Look to TV for more advice...","The end is nigh...")] Whatever //that// means... [[Back.->Philip]]

Bleh! That was terrible. You think that maybe you'll have to try again some other day to find something a little more nutritious. It wasn't even filling, you'll have to eat something else today. (text-colour:red)[-1 IRIDESCENCE](set: $ir to $ir - 1) (text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Back.->Liverpool Street Station]]

Yum! That was amazing. You think that maybe you'll have to try again some other day to find something a little more nutritious. (text-colour:green)[+1 PECKO POWER](set: $pp to $pp + 1) (text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir](set: $fed to true) [[Back.->Liverpool Street Station]]

(go-to: (either: "goodfood", "badfood"))

The competition begins, and pigeons from all over the city crowd around to have their voices heard. It very quickly becomes apparent that LANA and ROSALIA are much better singers than the average pigeon (no surprises there!) and so instead choose to judge the competition. (if: $party is true)[You use this opportunity to hand out lots of leaflets and get pigeons to spread the news about the $partyname all over the city, so hopefully people should know what $partyname is by the time the election takes place.(set: $votes to $votes + 15000)]

Unreal. This is an easy (text-colour:green)[+5 IRIDESCENCE](set: $ir to $ir + 5)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] Just wow. You catch a proper reflection of yourself in the mirrored walls of CITY HALL, and wow. Amazing. You are eminently electable with this on! [[Back.->City Hall]]

A truly wonderful feeling. However, this is definitely going to hurt your chances of getting elected. People don't like the MAYOR, sure, but they like clean glass. [[Back.->City Hall]] (if: $party is true)[(set: $votes to $votes - 5000)]

What a dump. You can feel your life getting shorter (or at least more boring!) (if: $party is true)[The residents of Pontoon Dock are usually forgotten about, so they appreciate you considering them as part of this urban metropolis rather than just focusing on the central boroughs.(set: $votes to $votes + 9200)] [[Back.->SOUTHEAST]]

There's plenty of stuff to look at! [[Roman Dovecote]] [[Pigeon-sized Camera]] [[Picture of a Passenger Pigeon]] [[Back.->Use your intelligence intelligently.]]

Dovecotes are structures that have been used since the 13C to house doves, which were used for a variety of purposes. Considering that carrier pigeons operate one-way only, their use was limited. You had to keep a steady supply of new pigeons transported to you, and quite often, important messages had to be sent over multiple pigeons in case of interception or pigeon death. The dovecote would have also been a useful source of guano, which was very much a valuable resource. [[Back.->Browse historic pigeon-related artefacts.]]

A pigeon-sized camera which was attempted to be used for aerial reconnaissance before WWI, but was disregarded in favour of developing fixed-wing surveillance techniques. There is also a modern-day equivalent in the case, which is a lot smaller and easier to carry. Someone has left the case open. [[Take the camera.]] [[Back.->Browse historic pigeon-related artefacts.]]

The passenger pigeon numbered at about a billion, largely within what is now the continental US, but humans drove it entirely to extinction through habitat destruction and large-scale hunting for meat. It is likely the largest human-caused extinction event in history. [[Back.->Browse historic pigeon-related artefacts.]]

You take the camera.(set: $camera to true) It fits quite easily, slips right over your head with ease. It's very easy to get the footage off of it as well, there's useful ports. [[Back.->The British Library]](set: $h to $h + 1)

You collect the STICK. Of note is that you can only collect one stick at a time, so don't get greedy and try and do them all in one go! [[Back.->Richmond Park]] (set: $h to $h + 1)(set: $stickheld to true)

Magnus is extremely intelligent, and apparently very wealthy as well, since he is offering //£10,000// to anyone who can beat him at pigeon chess. The sign says "PIGEON CHESS MASTER" and he looks very smug about it. He is sincerely offering £10,000 to anyone that can beat him. [[Ask to play.]] [[Back.->Chess & Bridge]]

There's a lot of cool stuff in here, from Bridge to Chess (obviously) but then there's some nice custom chess sets, other board games, and even Go (which is better than Chess...) Play against [[Magnus Coosen]], the chess playing pigeon. [[Back.->CENTRAL]]

You ask to play. "DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE RULES?" he says. (if:(history: where its name contains "Pigeon Chess")'s length >= 1)[[Yes, I've played pigeon chess]](if:(history: where its name contains "Pigeon Chess")'s length = 0)[[No, I've never played.]](set: $h to $h + 1)

There's actually not very much up here. It seems a little empty for such an important role. Perhaps he knows he's not going to be re-elected... [[Back.->Enter City Hall]]

"FANTASTIC. I WILL COMMENCE THE GAME." He begins setting up the pieces... this is a little bit bigger than normal pigeon chess... Say: [["Um, this isn't chess. The pieces are all different."]] Say: [[Nothing.]]

"THEN WHY DID YOU THINK YOU COULD DEFEAT ME, ON YOUR FIRST TIME PLAYING? GO AWAY AND //READ THE RULES TO CHESS//, YOU ABSOLUTE IMBECILE." He cocks his head and turns away from you. [[Back.->Chess & Bridge]]

Magnus looks very confused. But then he says, "OH, YOU MUST PLAY ON-LINE, THE PIECES LOOK DIFFERENT THERE..." Say: [["No seriously, isn't chess on a 3x3 board?"]] Say: [[Nothing.]]

Magnus finishes setting up the pieces and asks you whether you want to play white or black. [[White.]] [[Black.]]

(if: $homesweethome is true)[You show the ELECTORAL COMMISSION your home address. They are not too impressed. But they want to see [[more proof]] you live there, ie. //a picture with some furnishings//.](if: $homesweethome is false)[You don't have a home of your own yet!] [[Back.->Apply to be in the MAYORAL ELECTION.]]

(if: $bc < 8)[You don't have a good argument to suggest that you're actually over 18 in pigeon years. (text-colour: grey)[8 BRAIN CELLS REQUIRED]](if: $bc >= 8)[You suggest that because of their relative precociousness as youngsters, at least when compared to humans, you are already fully-functional and easily meet the criteria of an 18 year-olds' development. The ELECTORAL COMMISSION reluctantly accept this argument, mostly because they think they'll be £10,000 richer.(set: $ec2 to true)] [[Back.->Apply to be in the MAYORAL ELECTION.]]

This is the real kicker, you can't smarts your way through this one, you have to come up with £10,000 in real pounds sterling, otherwise you won't be allowed to enter. (if: $tenthousand is true)[You somehow have £10,000. They are utterly gobsmacked.(set: $ec3 to true)](if: $tenthousand is false)[Of course you don't have £10,000. How could a //pigeon// have £10,000?] [[Back.->Apply to be in the MAYORAL ELECTION.]]

"THAT IS PIGEON CHESS! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HAVE PLAYED PIGEON CHESS AND NOT CHESS!" Say: [["But your sign says PIGEON CHESS MASTER..."]] Say: [["Fine, I guess I can try and play normal chess..."]]

You don't really know what to do. [[Stack your pawns.]]

"PLAYING BLACK ARE WE? LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO..." He plays e4 and smirks to hell and back. [[Stack your pawns.]]

"THAT MEANS I AM A PIGEON AND A CHESS MASTER, NOT A PIGEON CHESS MASTER." Say: [["That's an ambiguous phrase."]] Say: [["Do you want to just play pigeon chess instead?"]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

(if: $st > 0)+(if: $nestpic is true)[You show them the picture of your nest with the (if: $st = 1)[singular stick.](if: $st > 1)[few haphazardly piled sticks.] They are not very impressed. But it is definitely, according to the law, a space that has been modified for the purposes of habitation, and therefore constitutes a home. For you it's much more than a home.(set: $ec1 to true)](if: $st = 0)[They won't accept this. Your place evidently has not been modified to constitute a home. There are no sticks! Even they know that pigeons make nests from sticks. ](if: $nestpic is false)[You need to take a picture of your nest.] [[Back.->Apply to be in the MAYORAL ELECTION.]]

There's a form to fill out: NAME: (force-input-box:"XX===","Jeremy II") POLITICAL PARTY: (input-box:2bind $partyname,"XX==","") SLOGAN: (input-box:2bind $slogan,"XX=","") (checkbox:2bind $check,"I understand that the £10,000 deposit (paid on my behalf by MAGNUS COOSEN) is non-refundable, should I fail to garner 5% of the vote.") (live: 0.2s)[(if: $check is true)+(if: $partyname is not "")+(if: $slogan is not "")[[Submit application]]]

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING." Say: [["This is how you play pigeon chess, no?"]] Say: [["I'm stacking my jawns."]]

"I AM NOT PLAYING PIGEON CHESS. I AM PLAYING NORMAL CHESS." Say: [["Fine. We can play normal chess instead."]] (if:(history: where its name contains "£10,000 deposit")'s length >= 1)[Say: [["I really need the money, this will benefit you as well."]]]

"THEY'RE CALLED PAWNS AND THEY DON'T STACK." Say: [["This isn't pigeon chess, is it?"->"Do you want to just play pigeon chess instead?"]]

"I UNDERSTAND THAT. BUT I AM DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO PLAY PIGEON CHESS WITH YOU. ONLY NORMAL CHESS." Say: [["Fine. We can play normal chess instead."]] (if:(history: where its name contains "£10,000 deposit")'s length >= 1)[Say: [["I really need the money, this will benefit you as well."]]]

"NO." Say: [["Fine. We can play normal chess instead."]] (if:(history: where its name contains "£10,000 deposit")'s length >= 1)[Say: [["I really need the money, this will benefit you as well."]]]

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" Say: [["I'm running for mayor and I really need £10,000."]]

MAGNUS proceeds to absolutely beat your hide at normal chess. No amount of BRAIN CELLS is going to get you out of this one. The beatdown does at least give you (text-colour:green)[+1 BRAIN CELL](set: $bc to $bc + 1)(text-colour:grey)[ PP: $pp • BC: $bc • IR: $ir] [[Play again.]] [[Back.->Chess & Bridge]]

(nth: visit, "You play again, and you get a tiny bit better, but MAGNUS still crushes you. There is zero hope, not even if you had 100 BRAIN CELLS.","You feel crushed but sort of educated by every defeat","There's something seriously useful about this.") [[Play again.]] [[Back.->Chess & Bridge]]

"WHY WOULD I CARE ABOUT THAT?" Say: [["Did you see the mayor vowed to eliminate all pigeons if re-elected?"]] Say: [["Because it's your civic duty."]]

"REALLY? I DON'T BELIEVE THESE EMPTY PROMISES. HE WON'T DO IT." Say: [["Two pigeons pooped on him during what was supposed to be his critical campaign speech."]] Say: [["He absolutely will, he's a very cunning man."]]

"I SEE NO REASON WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO VOTE!" Say: [["Voting is one of the only ways that you can measurably change the world around you."]] Say: [["Honestly it does feel crushing, but politics, especially local ones, are often determined by the whims of a politically active minority."]]

"WELL, THAT JUST PROVES THAT PIGEONS ARE HATEABLE CREATURES." Say: [["How could you say that? You //are// one!"]] (if: $evidence is false)[Say: (text-colour: grey)[LOCKED: NO EVIDENCE FOUND]](if: $evidence is true)[Say: [["I have evidence that he orchestrated the pigeon hit in order to rally public opinion against pigeons."]]]

"HOW EXACTLY IS HE CUNNING?" (if: $evidence is false)[Say: [["Er... I don't really know."->"Honestly, fair enough. Sounds like you've tried hard."]]] (if: $evidence is false)[Say: (text-colour: grey)[LOCKED: NO EVIDENCE FOUND]](if: $evidence is true)[Say: [["I have evidence that he orchestrated the pigeon hit in order to rally public opinion against pigeons."]]]

Some boring stuff about Rachel Reeves using lots of taxpayer money to buy Creme Eggs without a Tesco clubcard... scandalous... [[Back.->BASEMENT]]

Some stuff that concerns finches and budgerigars... while it's definitely interesting, you don't see this affecting your story. Leave this one for the INKO COLOURS team. [[Back.->BASEMENT]]

Nothing at all in this one, just a big hole where all of Dominic Cummings's files have been mysteriously incinerated. [[Back.->BASEMENT]]

Another, smaller filing cabinet inside. The smaller filing cabinet is labelled "THE MATRYOSKHA PROJECT". [[Back.->BASEMENT]]

There's not a lot in this cabinet, but there are some interesting documents that show... a plan. //A plan to have the MAYOR deliberately hit by two pigeons, justifying a war on them and boosting the MAYOR's newsworthiness through a gaffe of mega proportions!// Oh my goodness... surely not... this is the worst news for pigeonkind. You read through the dossier and find a description of the two pigeons that they used to perform the hit.(set: $evidence to true) [[Back.->BASEMENT]]

A pigeon is nesting here. Or maybe it's just Rishi Sunak's house. Both would be poorly decorated and both would be quite small, so it could be either. (set: $hawkbeaten to true)[There's also a CCTV tape of you beating the hawk, which you duly take.(set: $hawktape to true)] [[Back.->BASEMENT]]

"BUT THE EFFECT IS SO SMALL IT IS BASICALLY UNMEASURABLE." Say: [["So then why does anyone vote?"]] Say: [["But not zero."]]

"HMMM... PERHAPS THIS IS TRUE. BUT WHY SHOULD I BACK YOU?" Say: [["I will fight for pigeons everywhere, so you don't have to."]]

You show MARCUS the evidence. He is dumbfounded. "BUT WHY WOULD HE DO THIS?" Say: [["Some total hatred for pigeons?"]]

"I MAY HAVE THE BODY OF A PIGEON, BUT I HAVE THE MIND OF A HUMAN, I CAN BEAT MANY OF THEIR KIND AT WHAT IS COMMONLY CONSIDERED TO BE THEIR CHIEF INTELLECTUAL HOBBY, CHESS. I HAVE MADE A LOT OF MONEY AND LIVE LIKE THEIR ESTEEMED IDOLS IN A NICE HOUSE." Say: [["You have all of their trappings but you will never be them."]] Say: [["Honestly, fair enough. Sounds like you've tried hard."]]

"I AM NOT TRAPPED! I AM FREE TO DO WHATEVER I WANT." Say: [["But you've pursued intellectual ends only insofar as they bring you money and respect from humans. And even the respect is not necessarily earned, they may be amazed by you but they still treat you as a freak show, an oddity, a carnival act, nothing beyond just MAGNUS COOSEN, THE CHESS PLAYING PIGEON."]]

MARCUS has definitely won the argument this time, and he doesn't look like he's going to be giving you that £10,000. If you [[play him again->Play again.]], maybe he'll consider it. [[Back to Chess & Bridge->Chess & Bridge]]

Wow, where did //that// come from? MAGNUS looks stunned. He has not seriously considered that he is an intelligent pigeon and can use that for a more broad spectrum of intellectual pursuits, rather than spending all his time winning money at tournaments off of unsuspecting masters... "LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU THE £10,000 FOR NOTHING — I WANT TO SEE IT RETURNED, YOU NEED TO GET AT LEAST 5% OF THE VOTE FOR IT TO BE RETURNED, RIGHT? I'LL HELP YOU. I'LL USE MY FAME TO HELP YOU." Say: [["You promise to give me £10,000 to help me?"]]

"THE POINT IS THAT IT'S SO SMALL IT DOESN'T MATTER, BASICALLY. MY QUESTION STILL STANDS, WHY DOES ANYONE VOTE?" (if: $evidence is false)[Say: [["Er... I don't really know."->"Honestly, fair enough. Sounds like you've tried hard."]]] (if: $evidence is false)[Say: (text-colour: grey)[LOCKED: NO EVIDENCE FOUND]](if: $evidence is true)[Say: [["I have evidence that he orchestrated the pigeon hit in order to rally public opinion against pigeons."]]]

MAGNUS looks stunned. He has not seriously considered that the MAYOR might genuinely need his mind changing through transformative politics. "LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU THE £10,000 FOR NOTHING — I WANT TO SEE IT RETURNED, YOU NEED TO GET AT LEAST 5% OF THE VOTE FOR IT TO BE RETURNED, RIGHT? I'LL HELP YOU. I'LL USE MY FAME TO HELP YOU." Say: [["You promise to give me £10,000 to help me?"]]

"I WILL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED. THAT'S FINE. I'LL SEND THE ELECTORAL COMMISSION £10,000 IN YOUR NAME... IN FACT, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?" Say: [["Jeremy II."]]

"FINE. THE £10,000 IS REFUNDABLE, NO? SO YOU CAN GET IT BACK?" Say: [["Yes, but you have to get 5% of the vote."->"You promise to give me £10,000 to help me?"]]

"THANK YOU FOR BEING THE ONE TO DO THIS, JEREMY. IT IS HARD, BUT SOMEONE HAS TO STAND UP FOR PIGEONS." Say: [["I'm so glad you think that, Magnus. At least I didn't have to beat you at chess!"]]

"WELL, EVEN IN THE HALF-GAME WE PLAYED, YOU DID SHOW A TINY BIT OF IMPROVEMENT." [[Wish MAGNUS well and leave with your new gains!]]

(set: $tenthousand to true)You now have £10,000, which is NOT to be spent on anything except the deposit for the election. The fact that Magnus has put so much of his trust in you after one interaction does weird you out a little bit, but you think nothing of it. [[Continue.->CENTRAL]]

Wonderful. You've done it! Now the hard part, using your remaining time to actually get enough support for yourself...(set: _followers to $followers * $d) If you've been posting things on the internet, then you've probably already got a sizeable amount of FOLLOWERS (text-colour: grey)[(current count: _followers)] but you also need to go out there on the street and actually engage with people! Perhaps the pigeons at PIGEON HQ will offer to make a leaflet campaign for you if you help them in some way...(set: $party to true) Also, now that you're a PARTY LEADER, you might notice that your polling will go down if you do bad things, like steal people's food, or poop on their belongings. But the earlier you've registered, the more chance you have to rack up that 5% you need, or maybe even enough votes to dethrone the MAYOR! [[Back.->CENTRAL]]

"Hey, aren't you the pigeons that pooped on the mayor?" "WHAT ABOUT IT, BUDDY?" • "YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT?" Say: [["Nothing. I was... uh..."]] (if: $party is true)[Say: [["Do you think you could help me get elected?"]]]

You post about $partyname. It goes down very well — an excellently chosen party name given these times... And the caption, "OUR MISSION: $slogan" goes down well too. You can see your follower count rise, but followers only mean some thing, you need to follow it up with a serious LEAFLET campaign, door-to-door things.(if:visits <= 1)[(set: $followers to $followers * 2)] [[Back.->Internet]]

Well, it's here. You've done a lot of things.(if: $evidence is true)[ You've found evidence of governmental wrongdoing.](if: $hawkbeaten is true)[ You beat a hawk in a fight.](if:(history: where its name contains "Ask Zizek to endorse you")'s length >= 1)[ You got Slavoj Zizek to personally endorse you.](if:(history: where its name contains "Philip time!")'s length >= 1)[ You went wild with Black Philip.](if:(history: where (passage:it)'s tags contains "loan")'s length >= 1)[ You took out a loan.](if:(history: where its name contains "Say goodbye to the YOUNG MEN.")'s length >= 1)[ You made good friends with a woodpigeon.](if:(history: where its name contains "RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES ROOM")'s length >= 1)[ You organised a singing competition with famous singers as judges.](if:(history: where its name contains "Browse historic pigeon-related artefacts.")'s length >= 1)[ You learnt about the history of pigeons.](if: $vpp >= 10000)[ You had the time to 100% complete PIGEON CLICKER (!?!?!?)](if:(history: where its name contains "badfood")'s length >= 1)[ You ate bad fast food.](if:(history: where its name contains "Train.")'s length >= 1)[ You went to the gym.](if:(history: where its name contains "Train.")'s length >= 5)[ A lot.] And now it's time to watch people go to the polls... There are, of course, last-minute opportunities to do some campaigning, but these are minimal. Go to the [[election results]].

"STOP SNOOPING. BUT IT'S OK" • "THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HURT US." Say: [["I wasn't planning on hurting you."]]

"GOOD." • "GOOD." You feel that this conversation was a bit of a bust. [[Back.->ROOF]]

"HOW COULD WE DO THAT?" • "ARE YOU SERIOUS? A PIGEON MAYOR? Say: [["You guys are very good at espionage. You could find some info about the other candidates, help out right up to the last minute."]]

"THIS IS TRUE" • "WE ARE GOOD SPIES... AND WE HAVE ACCESS TO A LOT OF THE MAYOR'S PERSONAL INFO DUE TO OUR SECURITY CLEARANCE." Say: [["This is definitely illegal, and will probably get me a lot of hate, but if we can find some scandalous stuff, then perhaps people will turn from the other candidates."]]

"ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ILLEGAL" • "THEN AGAIN, SPYING IS PRETTY GREY TO BEGIN WITH..." Say: [["Meet here tomorrow with some info?"]]

"FIRST THING TOMORROW" • "IF YOU'RE LATER THAN SUNRISE WE WON'T BE HERE"(set: $meetingdate to $d + 1) Say: [["See you then."]]

"OK." • "OK." [[Back.->Pigeon HQ]]

There's a lot of info. They really rattle off their licks on Labour, the wrap on Reform, grass up the Greens, and say some rather unconservative things about the Conservatives... not to even //mention// the Lib Dems. All of these are certified bombshells. Even the independents and foolish YouTubers are implicated. Everyone, it seems, except Count Binface. He's just fine. [[Use this info]] [[Do not use this info]]

This is a short term gain, but people might seriously reconsider voting for you if they knew that you had almost immediately resorted to using surveillance.(set: $votes to $votes + 24000)(set: $mayorvotes to $mayorvotes - 125000) (set: _voteprop to (round:1000 * $votes / 2640000)/10)Current polling stats: _voteprop% [[Back.->Pigeon HQ]]

This is a good idea, but to be honest, you probably shouldn't have gone through with the plan to begin with. This has gained you less votes overall than the other option, since the newspapers are now not reporting any of this stuff, but you have definitely done the right thing.(set: $votes to $votes + 13000)(set: $mayorvotes to $mayorvotes - 25000) (set: _voteprop to (round:1000 * $votes / 2640000)/10)Current polling stats: _voteprop% [[Back.->Pigeon HQ]]

You wow them, and you also try and hand out leaflets — but most of them end up being given to tourists going to the Doc Martens stalls, who are still assuredly impressed by your IRIDESCENCE. //The more IRIDESCENCE you have, the more the public is impressed.// (set: $votes to $votes + (150 * $ir))(set: $h to $h + 1) [[Back.->Ice Wharf]]

You wow the people of HYDE PARK, and you also try and hand out leaflets, but most of them end up being given to tourists, who are still assuredly impressed by your IRIDESCENCE. //The more IRIDESCENCE you have, the more the public is impressed.// (set: $votes to $votes + (150 * $ir))(set: $h to $h + 1) [[Back.->Hyde Park]]

He doesn't usually endorse politicians, but he absolutely loves the fact that you're a pigeon and also a politician, and within the day he's written an eighty-five thousand word book detailing pigeons and politics, and it's guaranteed to be a best-seller by the evening.(set: $votes to $votes + 18200) [[Back.->lstunnels]]

You post the video fo you beating the hawk. It's actually kind of incredible that you managed to do this, considering you are a pigeon. This has really raised the profile of pigeons massively, proving that they are creatures to be reckoned with. It's really polling well with right-wingers. And anyone really into wings.(if:visits <= 1)[(set: $followers to $followers * 2)] [[Back->Internet]]

You get the NICE LADY send some very carefully-written emails out, and recieve an enormous amount of support. She does this all manually, which takes a while, but you have gotten some email address lists from public databases.(if:visits <= 1)[(set: $votes to $votes + 13800)] [[Back.->tablet]]

(set: _mayorvoteprop to (round:1000 * ($mayorvotes - $votes) / 2640000)/10)Current polling stats for the MAYOR: _mayorvoteprop% (set: _voteprop to (round:1000 * $votes / 2640000)/10)Current polling stats for $partyname: _voteprop% [[This means...]]

The required number of votes to reach 5% was 132,008. You got $votes votes.(if: $votes >= 132008)[ Which means you get your £10,000 back!](if: $votes < 132008)[ Which means you do NOT get your £10,000 back...] (set: $mayorvotes to $mayorvotes - $votes) The current MAYOR got $mayorvotes, which means that he got(if: $votes >= $mayorvotes)[ less(set: $victory to true)](if: $votes < $mayorvotes)[ more(set: $victory to false)] votes than you. The overall breakdown is as follows: =|= //''PARTY''// The MAYOR $partyname OTHER PARTIES TOTAL =|= //''VOTES''// $mayorvotes $votes (set: $othervotes to 2640160 - $mayorvotes - $votes)$othervotes 2,640,160 (41.3% turnout) |==| [[Continue.]]

(if: $votes > $mayorvotes)+(if: $votes > $othervotes)[Congratulations, you are the new MAYOR OF LONDON as a month-old pigeon. Enjoy the next five years!](if: $votes < $mayorvotes)+(if: $mayorvotes < $othervotes)[You lost to the MAYOR. but you succeeded in preventing him from winning the election!](if: $votes < $mayorvotes)+(if: $mayorvotes > $othervotes)[The MAYOR won the election. You are soon to be rounded up and exterminated. You attempt to fly out of the city but they get you too quickly. The world of pigeons in London is at an end.] #THE END (text-style:"sway")+(text-size: 1.5)[''Happy 26th birthday, Titas!''] //[[Play again->Restart]]// (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0,#001100,0.5,#000000,1,#110011)))

That's a governmental issue, and they say, "Perhaps if you win this election, then the next time around, you might be able to change the law so that pigeons can vote!"(set: $votes to $votes + 150) [[Back.->The Houses of Parliament]]

(if:(history: where its name contains "Spot something through the balcony window.")'s length >= 1)[[Return to your nest fully ready to fly.]] (if:(history: where its name contains "Watch the speech on the little tablet thingy.")'s length >= 1)[[Return to your shoebox to think.]]